|100 days of Love and Hate - Day 38
||[Oct. 24th, 2006|06:57 am]
Quote from Sgt. Oddball: "Well, yeah, man, you see, like, all the tanks we come up against are bigger and better than ours, so all we can hope to do is, like, scare 'em away, y'know. This gun is an ordinary 76mm but we add this piece of pipe onto it, and the Krauts think, like, maybe it's a 90mm. We got our own ammunition, it's filled with paint. When we fire it, it makes pretty pictures, scares the hell outta people! And we have a loudspeaker, when we go into battle we play music, very loud. It kind of... calms us down."
One of the few war movies I really like, Kelly's Heroes stands the test of time. A bunch of WWII soldiers who decide that they are sick of being shot at and decide to rob a hidden German gold deposit. A fun script by Troy Kennedy-Martin (Writer of the original Italian Job and classic miniseries Edge of Darkness), a great cast with Clint Eastwood, Telly Savalas, and Donald Sutherland as tank commander Sgt. Oddball. Music is by Lalo Schifrin, who did the original Mission: Impossible music, and is in great form here.
I love a good heist movie, and that's what this is, a bunch of guys working the military so they can pull a bank job. I have the original soundtrack on LP, and the original 3-sheet movie poster. That's how much I love this film.
Yes, I'm shy. Always have been. It doesn't take long for me to find my comfort zone, but until I do, I'm terribly shy.
Fans I'm fine with, fandom is a chunk of my sub-cultural home, and I'm pretty comfortable there. Though I still freeze up around big authors, actors, etc. Most country folk I'm pretty okay with, once I find the balance between matching their outback-ness with my own, while keeping a good portion of me-ness i.e. loud, silly, and not hiding my knowledge or intelligence.
Beyond that, I'm lost. Drop me into a situation where I don't know people, or know them well and I struggle. Really struggle. I can't just go up and start talking to people. Why on earth would they want to talk to me? It's not like they'd want to, so I'd rather not waste their time by trying to start a conversation. Drop me in a party with unknown people and I will stand in the corner and not talk to anyone.
Always been this way. Fandom helped me come out of my shell and discover a lot of talents I didn't know I have. It also taught me the value of the public persona, the version of myself that can interact with people in ways that regular Danny couldn't. The important point is, the public version was still me, with just enough oomph for it to feel like I was playing a character. Gradually I let more and more of my true self take over the public version until pretty much what you see of me is all the real me. Hell, I couldn't have started 100 Days if it wasn't.
But I'm still cripplingly shy sometimes. So many self doubts and worries that freeze me dead.
When I meet other shy people, I feel an instant connection. Many can't believe that I'm a bashful bloke, but some can see how I work it. When I'm talking with another diffident personality, I often have to resist giving them a huge hug. They just strike that chord within me, there have been so many times when I wanted to talk to or touch someone and couldn't. There are times when it makes you feel incredibly alone, and yearn to be touched - that's where my urge to hug them comes from - to tell someone 'you're not alone and you are appreciated.' But I'm also aware that 95% would totally freak out, so I hold off. Plus I'd have to overcome my own shyness to do it.
There has been one bashful young lady that I hugged on a first meeting. I had been helping her out with a bunch of work related stuff via phone calls and email. Her company was doing stuff at a convention, and had thrown her in the deep end with it. She had been put onto me as a source of info and help. When we finally got to meet, she looked utterly lost and alone in this strange new environment her bosses had thrown her into, and without thinking I gave her a huge hug hello when we were introduced. Never ever done anything like that before or since. We actually became lovers, for a short time, after the convention.
Hmmm... maybe I should hug more on a first meeting... It is actually my first instinct with some people, but shyness and concerns about not to infringing on someone's personal space hold sway over my natural gut reaction to some folks. It's funny, but now I come to write it down, I realise I'm actually more comfortable with the concept of hugging a complete stranger hello out of my enthusiasm for life and people, than I am with the idea of actually starting a conversation with them. Weird.
But then again, I am more a contact based person. I would much rather be in close contact with those I like, and everyone I meet starts off at a certain base level of like and respect, so maybe my base level is to like people enough to hug them straight away, but concerns for how they feel and my bashful nature stop me. Chances are, if I hugged someone on a first meeting, I would actually be better able to overcome the shyness, because I'd have placed myself in a comfort zone right from the get-go.
I wonder how different my life and relationships would have been if I had done this more? Interesting.
Anyway, I'm shy. And a hermit. But I like people. A bit. Some people. Sometimes. A bit or a lot. Actually getting embarrassed now, so going to go. Bye!