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100 days of Love and Hate - Day 38 [Oct. 24th, 2006|06:57 am]
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[mood |contemplativeshy...]

Kelly's Heroes
Quote from Sgt. Oddball: "Well, yeah, man, you see, like, all the tanks we come up against are bigger and better than ours, so all we can hope to do is, like, scare 'em away, y'know. This gun is an ordinary 76mm but we add this piece of pipe onto it, and the Krauts think, like, maybe it's a 90mm. We got our own ammunition, it's filled with paint. When we fire it, it makes pretty pictures, scares the hell outta people! And we have a loudspeaker, when we go into battle we play music, very loud. It kind of... calms us down."

One of the few war movies I really like, Kelly's Heroes stands the test of time. A bunch of WWII soldiers who decide that they are sick of being shot at and decide to rob a hidden German gold deposit. A fun script by Troy Kennedy-Martin (Writer of the original Italian Job and classic miniseries Edge of Darkness), a great cast with Clint Eastwood, Telly Savalas, and Donald Sutherland as tank commander Sgt. Oddball. Music is by Lalo Schifrin, who did the original Mission: Impossible music, and is in great form here.

I love a good heist movie, and that's what this is, a bunch of guys working the military so they can pull a bank job. I have the original soundtrack on LP, and the original 3-sheet movie poster. That's how much I love this film.

Yes, I'm shy. Always have been. It doesn't take long for me to find my comfort zone, but until I do, I'm terribly shy.

Fans I'm fine with, fandom is a chunk of my sub-cultural home, and I'm pretty comfortable there. Though I still freeze up around big authors, actors, etc. Most country folk I'm pretty okay with, once I find the balance between matching their outback-ness with my own, while keeping a good portion of me-ness i.e. loud, silly, and not hiding my knowledge or intelligence.

Beyond that, I'm lost. Drop me into a situation where I don't know people, or know them well and I struggle. Really struggle. I can't just go up and start talking to people. Why on earth would they want to talk to me? It's not like they'd want to, so I'd rather not waste their time by trying to start a conversation. Drop me in a party with unknown people and I will stand in the corner and not talk to anyone.

Always been this way. Fandom helped me come out of my shell and discover a lot of talents I didn't know I have. It also taught me the value of the public persona, the version of myself that can interact with people in ways that regular Danny couldn't. The important point is, the public version was still me, with just enough oomph for it to feel like I was playing a character. Gradually I let more and more of my true self take over the public version until pretty much what you see of me is all the real me. Hell, I couldn't have started 100 Days if it wasn't.

But I'm still cripplingly shy sometimes. So many self doubts and worries that freeze me dead.

When I meet other shy people, I feel an instant connection. Many can't believe that I'm a bashful bloke, but some can see how I work it. When I'm talking with another diffident personality, I often have to resist giving them a huge hug. They just strike that chord within me, there have been so many times when I wanted to talk to or touch someone and couldn't. There are times when it makes you feel incredibly alone, and yearn to be touched - that's where my urge to hug them comes from - to tell someone 'you're not alone and you are appreciated.' But I'm also aware that 95% would totally freak out, so I hold off. Plus I'd have to overcome my own shyness to do it.

There has been one bashful young lady that I hugged on a first meeting. I had been helping her out with a bunch of work related stuff via phone calls and email. Her company was doing stuff at a convention, and had thrown her in the deep end with it. She had been put onto me as a source of info and help. When we finally got to meet, she looked utterly lost and alone in this strange new environment her bosses had thrown her into, and without thinking I gave her a huge hug hello when we were introduced. Never ever done anything like that before or since. We actually became lovers, for a short time, after the convention.

Hmmm... maybe I should hug more on a first meeting... It is actually my first instinct with some people, but shyness and concerns about not to infringing on someone's personal space hold sway over my natural gut reaction to some folks. It's funny, but now I come to write it down, I realise I'm actually more comfortable with the concept of hugging a complete stranger hello out of my enthusiasm for life and people, than I am with the idea of actually starting a conversation with them. Weird.

But then again, I am more a contact based person. I would much rather be in close contact with those I like, and everyone I meet starts off at a certain base level of like and respect, so maybe my base level is to like people enough to hug them straight away, but concerns for how they feel and my bashful nature stop me. Chances are, if I hugged someone on a first meeting, I would actually be better able to overcome the shyness, because I'd have placed myself in a comfort zone right from the get-go.

I wonder how different my life and relationships would have been if I had done this more? Interesting.

Anyway, I'm shy. And a hermit. But I like people. A bit. Some people. Sometimes. A bit or a lot. Actually getting embarrassed now, so going to go. Bye!

[User Picture]From: prismfire
2006-10-24 12:02 am (UTC)
I can so relate to the shyness problem as I have the same issue... what really compounds it is that people dont think im shy... and yet because of it when im in abnormal situations or crowds I can seem aloof or distant which aggravates the issue of meeting folks. I dont think people realise what a daily battle it is.
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[User Picture]From: meljane
2006-10-24 06:45 am (UTC)
I can relate to what you said although I don't really know how I come off to other people .
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[User Picture]From: dcrisp
2006-10-24 12:38 am (UTC)
And I will just add my own lirttle DITTO here. I agree with Prismfire here. I'm shy, and scared of saying the wrong thing to people and stuff but people think im not shy.

I like to think of myself as an Intraverted Extravert. Most people just think of me as a Jerk :P
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From: throughsoftair
2006-10-24 01:25 am (UTC)
I love Kelly's Heroes I managed to pick it up for cheap recently, and then found out that neither Lyn nor the boys had seen it: bliss :)

Blake is with us this weekend, and Saturday night is booked!
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[User Picture]From: cheshirenoir
2006-10-24 01:27 am (UTC)
Fandom helped me overcome my shyness and realise I could actually speak in public. Since then I have bounced out to being a complete extrovert. I still find myself uncomfortable in certain public situations.

It seems to be something many of the more outgoing fans will talk about, how we started as shy quiet people and found a confidence from our interactions with fans that helped us in our non fan environments.
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[User Picture]From: purrdence
2006-10-24 02:10 am (UTC)
Hugs are good :)

Try being deprived of hugs for almost a year. It sucks.
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[User Picture]From: ariaflame
2006-10-24 03:50 am (UTC)
Also one of the shy people that fandom has helped. But I still suffer sometimes from the, 'I won't talk to X, why on earth would they want to talk to me, I'd just bother them' syndrome. Also when I do talk I sometimes talk too loud without realising it (it was the only way I could get heard in family discussions, I just didn't have to timing to get a word in edgewise) and then I realise I'm talking too loud and get embarrassed and go quiet again. And frequently when I get nervous I just babble about stuff I've been doing and seeing and then remembering that just talking about your stuff is rude and shutting up again.
So I don't go to places I'm not invited to.
I don't hug people that I don't know that well because I don't want to invade their personal space. Which is a shame because in general I do like hugs.
I'm a lot less introverted than I was before I found fandom. But I'm still working on some self esteem issues, but I'm getting there. After all, I wouldn't want to go over the line too far (there are some who have just no concept of personal space).
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From: gutter_monkey
2006-10-24 08:16 am (UTC)
Yeah, I'm still shy around cons and other fandom events. I guess it's just too ingrained in some people.

I've actually come out of my shell a fair bit. When I was a kid I was extremely introverted, to the point that I actually wonder whether I was autistic or something. When I look back at how I was I just can't help thinking "That kid just ain't right."
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[User Picture]From: ariaflame
2006-10-24 08:58 am (UTC)
Hey, if it's helped at all.

I'm not saying I've become the life of the con. But I'm more willing to speak to people, to speak up in panels, and even to actually go on them than I'd ever have thought likely.
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[User Picture]From: arcadiagt5
2006-10-24 09:11 am (UTC)
"I'm shy. And a hermit. But I like people".

Oh that is so me. Sometimes I look back on the way I was at school and shudder.

There but for the grace of fandom go I...
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[User Picture]From: willowgypsy
2006-10-24 11:02 am (UTC)

One of these things is not like the other...

... I like to pretend I am shy ... does that count?
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[User Picture]From: leahcim
2006-10-25 10:29 pm (UTC)

Re: One of these things is not like the other...


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[User Picture]From: thinarthur
2006-10-24 01:01 pm (UTC)
Wasn't Troy Kennedy-Martin also the creator of the Sweeney? KH also had Donald Sutherland as a 1940's hippie as I recall
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[User Picture]From: dalekboy
2006-10-24 07:12 pm (UTC)
If I can find my copy of it. Be warned though, it's over two hours long. I've still only got it as a bootleg video at this point - just haven't gotten around to buying the DVD.

So if the idea still suits, let me know and I'll dig through the tapes.
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