dalekboy (dalekboy) wrote,
dalekboy
dalekboy

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100 days of Love and Hate - Day 17

Dog poo
It's yucky, sticky and smells. Give me a cowpat any day!




Me
There are an awful lot of things I don't like about myself. Little problems I have, big ones, attitudes, my temper, etc. But at the end of the day, I love being me. The bad stuff just shows me how good the good stuff is, and gives me something to strive against. I've never given up on trying to change those aspects of myself that I dislike. It doesn't matter if I succeed, so long as I don't stop trying.

There's a part of me that goes 'you're going to talk about what you love about yourself? How wanky!' And it is. But it's also something we should all be able to do now and again, and if we feel we can't, we should strive to even more. I do generally have a pretty poor opinion of myself, even though I know I have a lot of good traits. I have a long list of Hates about myself, but not that many Loves. But you know, the fact that I can smile and type this at all beats all the Hates into submission, because it means I don't just define myself by what I feel is wrong with me, but also by what is right.

I'm a moral person. They may not be your morals, but all up, I'm not a bad guy. I hate lying, have never taken advantage of a drunk woman (no matter how much, oh damn! I wanted to), I try my best to treat people well, and I don't steal.

I try my best to be fair to people. The recent Doctor Who figures I was getting for $12 each, I put them up with a starting bid price of $16. That's a 30% mark-up, which is normal in business. I had buy-it-now prices that were higher based on how rare they were in the boxes, naturally, because I am in business, but I would not begrudge anyone who got a figure for $16. Good on them, I want people to have these things and I want to make a little money. The more money I'm making, the lower I can keep my prices. And it disgusts me when I see people who I know got the figures for the same price I did, putting them up starting at $25 or $30. That's just wrong. I'm so glad I'm not that sort of person, and I only wish I had bought many more figures so I could reduce the people who were having to buy from the greedy buggers.

I love that I get so much joy out of encouraging people. I love to see someone take those first few tentative steps in a new direction. I enjoy cheering them on and am happy to help them up if they fall, or give them a shoulder to cry on, before suggesting to them that they try again. So many people seem to feel if they aren't great at something, they shouldn't do it. Bugger that! If it's not harming anyone else, you like doing it, or just want to do it, I want to see you do it! It doesn't matter if you're good at it or not! Just friggin' do it!

My sex drive is abnormally high, and that's really kind of cool, because I'm not the slave to it I could be. I enjoy it pretty fully because I'm fairly thoughtful and responsible with it. There's no-one I've had sex with that I've regretted, because I don't let my hormones rule, I follow my heart and conscience. No matter how much I like or love someone, or fancy them, or how amazingly horny I may be, I won't have sex with them unless it feels 'right'. Given my environment and my libido, I could easily have grown up to be one of those guys who shags women all over the place. I often wish I were, but I'm delighted and happy that I'm not. I enjoy sharing sex and sexuality. I want people to have a great time and it doesn't have to be with me.

I also adore that I am often someone people can talk to about intimate and personal issues, both sexual and otherwise. I'm honoured that so many people feel comfortable talking to me about personal stuff, and they are willing to ask my advice, and I'm always happy to make the time for them.

I love that I'm creative in a number of areas.

Directly and indirectly, I have changed people's lives through my work in fandom. People are finding skills, friends, lovers, freedom, and a subculture they would never have had if I hadn't started Continuum. Some people have come back into fandom after being burnt previously. That is something I will always be proud of, it still chokes me up sometimes.

My work on Skeletor/Hordak has to get a special mention. It's nice that people like it and I love writing for it. It is certainly the best thing I could ever have started doing, I'm glad I made myself, in spite of all my reservations and insecurities.

And I will never cease to be thankful that I got to live the ultimate fanboy dream - working on a version of my favourite TV show. If I never achieve anything else, I will always be supremely happy that I did what I did well! I have no doubt that the version of the series we were producing would have been a failure, but within the constraints we were operating, I did a bloody good job!

I truly appreciate how many people like me. And I love that there are people who just friggin' hate my guts, because it means I don't get complacent.

I'm a hybrid, mongrel, little bastard. Part artist, ocker, SNAG, fanboy, child, idiot, larrikin, sage, hermit, writer, drover, pervert, comedian, people person... and I adore being it all.

And I love that, because of who I am, I started 100 Days. I'm passionate about the things I love and the things I hate. So there was a whole bunch of reasons for doing it, including that we still don't know what illness I've got. I don't think it's likely, but whatever I have may be fatal. At the moment I actually find that thought kind of amusing *grin*

With my recent health issues, I have had people say 'stop trying to be brave/cheerful/whatever, this sucks!' And they're right, it does suck, but I'm not trying to look on the bright side of it all, I do that naturally. Oh it does get to me now and again, hell last weekend I was a literal screaming, crying mess, but what's the point in dwelling on it when I'm not feeling down? It's one problem in a big, wide, wonderful world of truly awesome shit! And yes, I get depressed, but so what? I've always had that problem. Am I going to let that define me all the time? Bugger that! I go through weeks of depression at a time, but I go through months and months of absolutely loving life, people, things. If I was happy all the time, how could I appreciate how lucky I am to be so very delighted with everything the rest of the time?

So I've decided to share myself as much as I could, to let the people know who I really am, warts and all. I actually like sharing myself, love sitting up late with people and gently removing the armour that we all wear every day. There are many people on here that I'd love to lose a night to chatting on the couch, or out in the bush, or snuggled up in bed just enjoying being (non-sexually) close, baring our hearts and souls. I love that level of human interaction, and it's so very rare. Most especially I love that the last time I spent a full night just cuddling and talking with someone new, it completely and radically changed two lives for the better. For starters, I fell madly in love with my wife all over again, and she wasn't even there!

And it's gratifying to see the effect 100 Days has had so far, people starting up their own variations, or talking openly on here about things they may not have thought about or spoken of.

But more than anything else, I love my sheer natural joy and enthusiasm for life! Be it a person, book, TV show, insect, plant, area, animal, concept, whatever... The love I have for people and the delight I show in the world is all me, all natural. I really do find the world a breath-takingly amazing place to live in. It's just so bloody cool! The experiences I've had, the people I've known, the life I've lived. My God, it's magnificent! It's had everything! Tragedy, drama, friends, sex (not enough of that), laughs, exotic locations, romance, old Holdens, sheep, vegemite... and to a large degree, it's happened because I'm of a mindset to seek these things out. To keep an open mind is part of it, to enjoy whatever is around me is a bigger part.

I've been loved hugely in my life, but it's because I've never held out on loving back or loving first. I've enjoyed my life but I've never stopped trying to find what was wonderful or amazing about where I was, and drink that in. I've created, but it's because I've never stopped trying to be open to ideas and concepts, and to let them fire my imagination.

I love that I am able to constantly give myself permission to enjoy my life, and to help or encourage others to enjoy theirs.

There's no better way to live.
Tags: love & hate, serious thoughts
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  • 11 comments

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