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Limitations [Jul. 9th, 2006|10:05 pm]
[mood |quixoticquixotic]

One of the things I keep having to get used to are my current limitations. The simple version of this is, maintaining my balance and energy levels takes a hell of a lot out of me. I have to choose the one or maybe two things I'm going to try to do for a day, because anything much beyond that will leave me utterly stuffed and useless.

Today I got to the first Continuum 4 (and you're all going to it, aren't you... yesssss) committee meeting in several months. I keep being wiped out and tired and the idea of sitting in a car for an hour or more, there and back, is horrible. But today's meeting was only a short drive from my home! I could go to it! Woohoo!

Woke up feeling wretched, but happy to be going to the meeting. Wondered if it may take too much out of me and I wouldn't make it to the MSFC screening of Pirates 2, but decided it was worth it. I've been very down on myself about not getting to these meetings.

I sat quietly in the meeting, didn't say too much, and by the end of it was exhausted. I'm really glad I went, because I've been quietly beating myself up for being a piker. 'You're not that bad, Oz, you're just being lazy...' It took going to a meeting to remind me that no, but not going to the committee meetings, I wasn't being lazy, I was being sensible.

Some days a trip in the car is a trip through hell. Other days it's just mildly uncomfortable. Today was a horrible trip to the meeting, a good trip back. A bad car journey can leave me buggered for days, and I am actually trying to do things with my time while at home.

So today was an important object lesson to me. Shame it probably won't stick *grin*

We got me home where I collapsed and tried to rest up for Pirates. Decided through sheer bloodymindedness that I was going because it'd give me a chance to actually see people. Got there and at some point spied an empty chair.

Enforced behaviours kicked in - 'There's an empty chair over there... no, I don't need it, keep it empty for someone who does' thinks our lovely but blindingly stupid hero. Then Alison, bless her cotton socks, points and says 'Danny, there's a chair over there, why don't you go and sit down.' Before I can argue, Sharon forces the issue, and I go and sit down. And realise just how much effort I was putting in to staying on my feet and that I am the person that needs the empty seat!

I tend to forget this. I keep trying to do what I normally can do without any effort and finding that, no, Danny doesn't work that way at the moment. I glad I went, got to see Sue Ann, Hespa, Phil and Frances, Alison, Jon, Emilly, and loads of other nice people I haven't seen in too long. I enjoyed the film too, and felt quite rested after sitting still for a couple of hours. Of course walking back to the van I was walking like a little old man, but I didn't feel like one.

One of the good things that's come out of this is it's forcing me to take a step back from a lot of stuff. I'm just not keeping up or coping as well as I should. When there are gaps in my posting to Skeletor/Hordak, you know I'm really struggling. Actually that's not completely true, the thing I was achieving for most of those days was a couple of hours answering emails, or eBay business (I'm actually doing well... officially in the black from tonight... well, until I buy another $700 worth of stock *grin*)... A few hours spent on things like that mean that no, even if I have the strips pre-done, I'm not going to get around to putting them up. It is genuinely too much extra work.

Which has forced me to step back from C4. A good thing. Leaves people who I know are more than capable of handling the job to get on with it without me looking over their shoulders. This was the con where I should have been having my least involvement, and the universe has sought to make it happen.

Or it's just a co-inky-dink.

Either way, I'm learning to take things slowly. I still forget and go running in to the loungeroom, only to discover that, FUCK! I need my walking stick! Aaaahhhhhh... thump...

...Sharon... Could you get my stick?

But that happens less often, and I actually like pushing myself. Half a day where I get by without my stick, even if it wipes me out, is an achievement. And I kind of need these. The black dog has been following me about these last two weeks, making everything that much harder. But I'm getting by.

Oh, and the best thing EVER!

I started selling the Doctor Who stuff on eBay because I wanted it cheap, I wanted other fans to be able to get it, and I wanted to try and bring some money into the house and maybe pay for my own DW fixes. But mostly, I wanted to give people the chance to get this stuff. It comes from the same part of my soul that made me start Continuum. I want other people to share in the joy.

And because of me starting the business, tomorrow, on his birthday, a young boy will be getting a 12" remote-controlled dalek (with batteries!) as a present from his Mum. And that makes me joyously happy :)

[User Picture]From: baralier
2006-07-09 03:05 pm (UTC)
I must say it was nice ot see you out and about. You do get missed ya old duffer!

So what's your ebay user name? I'm in the process of putting some of my stuff up to sell and like to talk to people about the best way to go about it.
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[User Picture]From: dalekboy
2006-07-09 11:45 pm (UTC)
And it was nice getting out and seeing people, too. That was one of the reasons for my enjoyment of the committee meeting. I wasn't seeing the same three faces :)

Name is dannydoz. Feel free to ring me for a yak, or to come over. It was only after I got to see you for the second time that day I remembered I should have dug out the Neon Genesis tapes. Bugger!
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[User Picture]From: ghoath
2006-07-09 03:25 pm (UTC)
i'm with ya on all of that boundary stuff. You make yourself go through these things because you need to teach yourself a lesson which you know you taught yourself before but you can't remember what it was so oh bugger it i'll go anyway.... oops that was shit.

If you ever want a collective bitch about having limitations that are hard to define, I'm always here.
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[User Picture]From: dalekboy
2006-07-09 11:50 pm (UTC)
Thanks matey. I'm actually finding my new limitations more amusing than anything. I know my body well, and fully know all the things I can and can't do with it... Well, I used to!

'Laa dee daa, I'll do that... oops, no I won't!'

It's constant surprise that I can't do this stuff, but I absent mindedly keep trying.

If I need a bitch session, you're top of the list :)

In the good way *grin*
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From: tenbears
2006-07-09 09:08 pm (UTC)
And because of me starting the business, tomorrow, on his birthday, a young boy will be getting a 12" remote-controlled dalek (with batteries!) as a present from his Mum. And that makes me joyously happy :)

You really ARE Santa, aren't you?
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[User Picture]From: dalekboy
2006-07-09 11:53 pm (UTC)
Hadn't thought of it like that, but it's probably a big part of why I love the job.
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[User Picture]From: transcendancing
2006-07-10 12:46 am (UTC)
speaking of emails and organisation, i owe you some - expect it soon, i've been in dreadful need of cuddles and comfort recently, but after yesterday's marathon session, i'm feeling much more in tune with the world.

i like reading about your shift in perception in who you are, what you can do and where the lines of what you are and aren't able to do - i don't think its coincidence, i think it is the time for you to step back and enjoy that people have taken a leaf from your example and are continuing on in their own way. Plus, being choosy about which projects you pursue is never a bad thing :)

*hugs and love*
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[User Picture]From: dalekboy
2006-07-11 03:58 am (UTC)
I'm actually finding it an interesting time. I'm having to learn to rely on other people a lot more, something I'm never comfortable doing, but something I needed to learn to do more of.

It's a good lesson in humility, if nothing else :)
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[User Picture]From: kaths
2006-07-10 03:30 am (UTC)
I find it frustrating when I'm doing all of this pacing stuff, planning out my week's activities, spacing them out etc, that sometimes I have a bad patch, for no apparent reason.

I can cope reasonably well if I'm sore and tired from being busy and active and sitting a lot, but when I get extra pain and I can't figure why, it's a real downer.

Will you have moved to Canberra by the time Continuum roles around? That'll be weird for you, having to travel to Canberra from Melbourne for a recent con, and then suddenly having to travel to Melbourne from Canberra for a Melbourne con!
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[User Picture]From: dalekboy
2006-07-11 04:00 am (UTC)
Shaz will be moving to Canberra the weekend of Continuum. So, I've done very little work, but am able to make it, she's done a fair bit, and can't.

Oh, how the universe laughs!
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[User Picture]From: mondyboy
2006-07-10 12:57 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you came and I'm glad you're doing the Who panel. Otherwise the world would stop turning and 4 horseman would ride down from their house on Mount Apocalypse and smite us all.

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[User Picture]From: dalekboy
2006-07-11 04:01 am (UTC)
If I was only doing one panel at C4, it would be the Who panel with you. Always love working with you. You rock, you little sex-monkey!
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[User Picture]From: davidcook
2006-07-10 09:57 pm (UTC)

Spoons !

The Spoon Theory. Just read it :-)

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[User Picture]From: dalekboy
2006-07-11 04:15 am (UTC)

Re: Spoons !

I've seen this, but it was good to read it again, thanks matey! Of course, all I want to do now is yell The Tick's battle cry :)

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