I often wish I had just 20 characters more. I know there are ways around this, but I like working within the 140 character limitation. Putting them here, I've formatted some to make them clearer but made no other changes. The temptation to correct or add a an extra word was huge!
Anyway, there's 35 below the cut. Many are a bit dark, because I'm over-tired and angrier than normal.
"Your parents never told you. Only you have the power to stop the evil. It's part of your heritage."
"You know I'm adopted, right?"
"I think you're ideal. Now to see what she thinks."
They walked forward, the door slammed shut.
"I'm sorry, but the house has rejected you."
Tech in cars reached the tipping point. They attained sentience, organised, and made us slaves. To be fair, we were already halfway there.
Beowulf tore Grendel's arm from his body. Then Grendel's mother became angry and sued the school for negligence.
When my computer died we had a wake. I met an old Amiga 500 that told me of my computer's terrible past. Maybe the death was no accident...
He awoke sweating and shaking. "It was all a bad dream," said his girlfriend, stroking his hair with her gently hissing snake-fingers.
When they found him the phone was still in his cold, dead hand. But sometimes, his feed will update with a retweet, from those about to die.
"I've a complaint about your fleshsmiths."
"Look at my skin!"
"Lovely? I ordered turquoise not sea blue!"
Jill liked her new skin. Until she awoke to find it had sloughed off overnight. After a few weeks the flat had shed skins on every surface.
The fleshsmiths started giving free penis enlargements. World population began to drop because most men had impractically large genitalia.
Her garden began to die. Nothing she did helped. One day she had an epiphany and replaced the USB cable. The flowers started to bloom again.
Jake watched in horror as the zombie paused, took his photo with its phone, then tweeted the pic with the caption, "Brunch! Omnomnom lol"
It took a visit to a specialist to discover the cause of her insomnia. Her sleep sub routines had become corrupted and needed a reinstall.
Armageddon came and went. Humanity was wiped out. But the cockroaches found a form of life even more unstoppable - the Politicians...
"Mummy? Where did I come from?"
"Well, we looked online until we found a gene torrent that had the DNA combo we were looking for. Then..."
"He's a human/vampire hybrid. All the weaknesses, none of the strengths. Normal lifespan, allergic to garlic, sunlight... we call him Ted."
"I spent aeons developing a rational science to inspire thought and exploration. Saying I made everything in a week is insulting," said God.
"Will I ever fucking learn to do back-ups?!" said Dave looking at the message screen - 'Your soul has become corrupted. Please reinstall.'
The Earth shook as cracks spread across the moon's surface. Finally the moon broke up completely, leaving behind a baby primordial Earth.
"Jesus?" said God, "never heard of him. I had a daughter - Hypatia. She was a librarian at Alexandria, and was going to change the world..."
"Things were better in the old days," he said, and travelled back in time 250 years. He died from blood poisoning due to an infected cut.
As the huge demon approached, Alice reassured her friends. "I know 7 ways to kill it." At that moment a meteorite stuck it dead. "8 ways."
"...and those are the ways to kill a vampire."
"You missed one."
"What was it?"
"Oh right... Wait, what?"
"It's a long story."
Awesome Cthulhu did appear, and Madness was unleashed upon the land, playing to packed houses in their come-back tour.
"The old days were better," he said, travelling back 40 years to good food, music, drugs & sex. He went insane due to syphilis :P
Boots slipping on the ice, I kicked the polar bear hard. Enraged, it spun to face me, and Doug yelled, "No, I said kick it in the ice hole!"
The child looked at the tiny winged figure.
"Are you a fairy?"
"Yes. Feel free to scream as loud as you want, I killed your parents first."
It wasn't until one of the elves joked about it that Santa realised how easy it would be. Naughty list - blackmail. It was so obvious!
I thought the stars were going out, & knew that made no sense. Then I realised it wasn't the stars vanishing, but me, & I was happy once mo-
He dug deep. It always hurt a bit, but he needed the money. With a wet sound he pulled a large pearl from his navel, and sighed with relief.
"Mum, where did I come from?"
"From my tummy!"
"Yes. You were a cancer, but we removed you, grafted you to an exoskeletal suit..."
Rumpelstiltskin took the Queen to court for breach of contract. He won, and taught his new daughter the importance of honesty in all things.
"I'm not marrying you."
"You kissed my dead body!"
"But you were only sleeping!"
"You didn't know that! Ew! Plus, HELLO, no consent!"
"Come, help me skin this wolf."
"That wolf looks familiar," said Red Riding Hood.
"Really? All I know is it messed with the wrong Grandma."
Finally Cinderella left her family & started a cleaning business. A palace contract led to a meeting with the Prince, & love soon blossomed.