If you haven't already realised, if you don't want too much information about me and some of my more personal habits, you may wish to stop reading this post. Actually, if you haven't SMSed me with your details, now would be a good time to go back to my post from yesterday and read that, if you haven't.
So, anyway, my love apples. I've been getting a bit achy in the vitals this last week, which would seem to bear a direct relation to how much I've been masturbating, or rather, how much I haven't been.
Those of you who know me well, or are long time readers of this journal, know quite a bit about me. I tend not to have secrets and discuss pretty much any aspect of my life quite openly. Amongst all that useless information are the equally pointless facts that I have a very high sex drive, and if left with lots of free time and privacy would average two to three wanks a day. In fact I have done during various points in my life. If I have a partner with a similar libido, then it'll be sex a couple of times a day, and maybe the odd tug on top of that.
These days, apart from being married to a fabulous woman with no real interest in getting jiggy with it, we find we are in the unlikely situation of having two children. Children - nature's own special contraceptive. I had been looking forward to months and months of trying to get Sharon up the duff, but it seems we are the very definition of breeders, Shaz falling pregnant on our first, sixth, and second attempts.
I say attempts, they were more, "What say we get used to doing the deed before we go on to really try," says Sharon. Danny gives Sharon a lustful look, Sharon gets pregnant.
Seriously, where's the fun in that? Thank heavens we aren't Catholics, Cooma would be up to its metaphorical armpits in my demon offspring.
But I digress. Basically, I'm that annoying little terrier that humps your leg every time you see it.
So, given the nature of things, my right hand has been a very active and willing accomplice in my sex life. Oh the times we've had! But a lot of it is now past tense. Between kids, and a lack of privacy when the kids are asleep, I'm lucky if I can manage a quick manipulation of the mango three times in a week.
And that's fine.
Well, I say fine, I mean manageable.
Well, I say manageable, I mean okay.
Well, I say okay, I mean... I mean... *sobs quietly about his priapism*
But through a strange confluence of events the last couple of weeks have seen a drastic decline in the already inadequate amount of time I get to milk the lizard. Basically, since several days before the Melbourne trip, I've only managed a single beating of the Bishop.
This has been due to a unique mixture of lack of time, lack of privacy, lack of opportunity, and lack of interest due to extreme tiredness when those other factors haven't been in play.
And what I started to notice on the trip, and is continuing now, is that an extended time without an ejaculation means my Niagara Falls start to ache.
It's a similar deep low ache to the one you have for a while after being kicked in the nuts. Or seriously losing at Rochambeau. It's uncomfortable and annoying.
For those who are concerned, yes, I have checked my testicles, no I have no lumps. I am also due for my prostate check.
But given the ache corresponds directly with a sudden dramatic downturn in masturbation, I'm pretty confident that finding a bit more time to give Roaring Jack some attention will make all the difference.
I suppose what interested me in this enough to write about it, apart from the fact that hey, we're talking about my fucking balls here, is that I've heard about things like guys getting blue balls from being aroused for too long without release, and this is the first time I've experienced anything remotely like that.
Interestingly, I've done Nullarbor trips with people where I went as long or longer without rubbing one out or having sex and this hasn't happened. This has included trips with a few attractive female friends, some of whom I have seen in various states of undress, shared a bed with, or both. Not a problem. So why now?
I am wondering if it's also something to do with spring. This time of year my already high libido goes up to 11. I have a gorgeous and sexy wife on top of that, and this has coincided with a dry period, wank-wise.
So guys, any of you ever had this happen? Or blue balls? I'm curious. Ladies, is there a female equivalent?
I'm not going to screen comments. I've just spent several hundred words talking about my testicles for all the world to see, I think you can comment openly.
If not, grow a pair ;-P