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They call me Sore-Balls McGee [Nov. 4th, 2011|03:04 pm]
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[mood |soresore]

So, shall we talk about my testicles?

If you haven't already realised, if you don't want too much information about me and some of my more personal habits, you may wish to stop reading this post. Actually, if you haven't SMSed me with your details, now would be a good time to go back to my post from yesterday and read that, if you haven't.

So, anyway, my love apples. I've been getting a bit achy in the vitals this last week, which would seem to bear a direct relation to how much I've been masturbating, or rather, how much I haven't been.

Those of you who know me well, or are long time readers of this journal, know quite a bit about me. I tend not to have secrets and discuss pretty much any aspect of my life quite openly. Amongst all that useless information are the equally pointless facts that I have a very high sex drive, and if left with lots of free time and privacy would average two to three wanks a day. In fact I have done during various points in my life. If I have a partner with a similar libido, then it'll be sex a couple of times a day, and maybe the odd tug on top of that.

These days, apart from being married to a fabulous woman with no real interest in getting jiggy with it, we find we are in the unlikely situation of having two children. Children - nature's own special contraceptive. I had been looking forward to months and months of trying to get Sharon up the duff, but it seems we are the very definition of breeders, Shaz falling pregnant on our first, sixth, and second attempts.

I say attempts, they were more, "What say we get used to doing the deed before we go on to really try," says Sharon. Danny gives Sharon a lustful look, Sharon gets pregnant.

Seriously, where's the fun in that? Thank heavens we aren't Catholics, Cooma would be up to its metaphorical armpits in my demon offspring.

But I digress. Basically, I'm that annoying little terrier that humps your leg every time you see it.

So, given the nature of things, my right hand has been a very active and willing accomplice in my sex life. Oh the times we've had! But a lot of it is now past tense. Between kids, and a lack of privacy when the kids are asleep, I'm lucky if I can manage a quick manipulation of the mango three times in a week.

And that's fine.

Well, I say fine, I mean manageable.

Well, I say manageable, I mean okay.

Well, I say okay, I mean... I mean... *sobs quietly about his priapism*

But through a strange confluence of events the last couple of weeks have seen a drastic decline in the already inadequate amount of time I get to milk the lizard. Basically, since several days before the Melbourne trip, I've only managed a single beating of the Bishop.

This has been due to a unique mixture of lack of time, lack of privacy, lack of opportunity, and lack of interest due to extreme tiredness when those other factors haven't been in play.

And what I started to notice on the trip, and is continuing now, is that an extended time without an ejaculation means my Niagara Falls start to ache.

It's a similar deep low ache to the one you have for a while after being kicked in the nuts. Or seriously losing at Rochambeau. It's uncomfortable and annoying.

For those who are concerned, yes, I have checked my testicles, no I have no lumps. I am also due for my prostate check.

But given the ache corresponds directly with a sudden dramatic downturn in masturbation, I'm pretty confident that finding a bit more time to give Roaring Jack some attention will make all the difference.

I suppose what interested me in this enough to write about it, apart from the fact that hey, we're talking about my fucking balls here, is that I've heard about things like guys getting blue balls from being aroused for too long without release, and this is the first time I've experienced anything remotely like that.

Interestingly, I've done Nullarbor trips with people where I went as long or longer without rubbing one out or having sex and this hasn't happened. This has included trips with a few attractive female friends, some of whom I have seen in various states of undress, shared a bed with, or both. Not a problem. So why now?

I am wondering if it's also something to do with spring. This time of year my already high libido goes up to 11. I have a gorgeous and sexy wife on top of that, and this has coincided with a dry period, wank-wise.

So guys, any of you ever had this happen? Or blue balls? I'm curious. Ladies, is there a female equivalent?

I'm not going to screen comments. I've just spent several hundred words talking about my testicles for all the world to see, I think you can comment openly.

If not, grow a pair ;-P

[User Picture]From: murasaki_1966
2011-11-04 05:32 am (UTC)
I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Oh, yes, there is a female equivilant, but I am going to let someone else enlighten you.
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[User Picture]From: ariaflame
2011-11-04 05:44 am (UTC)
There is?

I guess that with my low libido it is not something I've encountered.
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[User Picture]From: hespa
2011-11-04 07:26 am (UTC)
Afraid I must second both the question & the explanation. I'm intrigued.
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[User Picture]From: murasaki_1966
2011-11-04 10:10 am (UTC)
If we are talking about the inflammation, there most definately is a female equivalent and it bloody painful. However, I doubt it''s from lack of sex. Quite the opposite. If we are talking about the need to have amidextous sex, then there is an equivalent female condition too.

And that's all I'm saying on the matter. Go ask Mr Google.
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[User Picture]From: hespa
2011-11-08 07:19 am (UTC)
Fair enough, I won't push you.

Though I am fascinated as to what you mean by "amidextous sex". Google was entirely unenlightening there. Sex using both hands..?
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[User Picture]From: drhoz
2011-11-04 07:54 am (UTC)
... manipulate the mango?

If it's bright orange, I don't think it's your balls that are the problem *looks innocent*
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[User Picture]From: bunny_m
2011-11-04 09:03 am (UTC)
It's a similar deep low ache to the one you have for a while after being kicked in the nuts.

Y'know, this sounds exactly like the chronic pain I get. Which, BTW, is known as orchialgia. If this continues, talk to a GP about it. (Then get a referral to a specialist when the GP goes "Wha?", which they almost certainly will.)

If this is not just a fleeting thing, I recommend keeping a mental note of what assorted actions and activities have an effect, good or bad.

For me, I find that walking makes it worse. On a middlingly bad day*, just walking 3-4 metres will cause a flare-up that will take 20-30 minutes of sitting down before it fades away.

I also find that Spring is the worst time for it, 'cause inflammation all through the body is higher due to the damn pollen/other irritants in the air.

Nurofen is great for this, Naproxin is even better, cause it lasts longer. Remember: Don't take NSAIDs on an empty stomach, though.

(*) On a really bad day there's nothing to be done except take a bunch of analgesics and try to sleep it off/through.
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[User Picture]From: bunny_m
2011-11-04 09:04 am (UTC)
Also: *offers sympathies and hugs*


Y'know, I think you may have missed a euphemism or two. Possibly.
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[User Picture]From: delicious_irony
2011-11-04 09:45 am (UTC)
Yes. Yes there is.

As far as I can judge, it isn't quite as acutely uncomfortable as your rambutans sound.

My private theory is that the Bartholin's glands get annoyed with me. I'm probably wrong.
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[User Picture]From: mrs_roy
2011-11-04 09:51 am (UTC)

I'm quite impressed with all that slang.
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[User Picture]From: paul_ewins
2011-11-05 11:01 pm (UTC)
Low blood pressure - of a very specific type - can cause that sort of pain too. Because testes start out about where ovaries sit and then descend to their normal position during development their blood supply is via a rather long vein running down the abdomen. If you get low pressure in that vein you get pain. As a teen, one of the few types of exercise I could do for any length of time was sit-ups. When I tried that again in my late twenties it brought on the problem outlined above. It wasn't dangerous, but sit-ups were suddenly out of the question. When I stopped doing sit-ups the pain went away.
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[User Picture]From: Terry Frost
2011-11-06 03:58 am (UTC)
Sounds like classic blue-balls to me. Very unpleasant, but cureable with a little TLC.
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[User Picture]From: transcendancing
2011-11-08 03:11 pm (UTC)
Have been in a state of extraordinary bodily sensitivity due to needing some attention, and time/circumstances being unhelpful about it. I could envision actually physically climbing walls, and the sensitivity was all over and uncomfortable verging on painful. Very hard to ignore.
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