Been odd and sad this time around, we haven't been able to enjoy it. And while we're making plans, they are for the most part fairly abstract - it just doesn't seem quite real. The previous pregnancy went without a hitch until the 15th week when it all went as wrong as these things can go, so we're still not relaxing. The saddest thing for us both has been that we haven't connected with this bub. Last time around it was a constant background element. This time around, we've kept things at arms length, barely acknowledging the pregnancy.
I know why - self defense - neither of us could cope pouring our hearts into another bub only to have it miscarry once again. But it's still a shame. Can't help but feel Nibblet's getting ripped off, but that's okay, all going well we'll have years to make it up to him.
We both think it's a boy this time, btw. Given the way the little bugger was slam-dancing around inside Shaz during the ultra-sound, if it is a boy it takes after me. Sharon has said that once the kid is old enough, she expects to come home from work one day and have me apologise to her, because I'll have finally had to live with someone just like myself on a day-to-day basis.
While we haven't been connecting directly, I have made one special effort and bought a job-lot of 110 Little Golden Books for under a dollar each, including postage. I had a lot of them when I was a kid, went looking and found a bunch on eBay that included a chunk of the ones I owned, like Skippy. There's a few gems there, though the LGB version of Ol' Yeller has a happy ending, so will have to fix that! *wicked grin*
It's been a pretty exhausting period though. We were just getting over the worst of losing Tracy when along came November and her proposed birthdate, which basically tore us both in two all over again. Nibblet was actually conceived around this period, so I started Santa-ing and found out that Sharon was preggers again, which was great news. Playing Father Christmas left me more and more knackered, as did all the eBaying, got through that, but there's been a constant background stress as we both waited for it to go wrong again. So it's all been most tiring.
In the time building to the 12-week scan, I've been fighting a huge bout of depression, reasonably successfully most weeks. Forcing myself out for walks and the like, or doing re-arranging of the household. But means I haven't been reading LJ much at all, writing, or lots of other little things. That said, I have read 1 and 3/4 books since the start of the year! Yay! I've already nearly matched my reading for the whole of last year!
One of the odd things though, has been chocolate. I like chocolate but I'm not mad on it. I'll often go for weeks without it, and when I am eating it, between one and three squares are enough for a day. It's not unusual for us to go through a few blocks without me ever having had a piece of it.
Well, I've been going through blocks of it. Row after row of the stuff. The funny thing has been, that sort of behaviour is in Sharon's job description, and she's had no interest in chocolate. And we thought we'd save money if she wasn't eating it! I told her not to buy any this week, and now I'm Jonesing for it something chronic.
Actually, I've been eating tonnes in general, while Sharon has been losing weight which happens sometimes thanks to morning sickness. Will have to start to get back into my regular exercise routine again. Getting started is always the hard part. Once I make myself go for a few walks and jogs, it'll get easier. Must. Get. Started!
And after weeks of insomnia... suddenly I'm sleepy, while still not being able to sleep. So not getting to bed early, but just can't get up in the mornings, which is odd. Suspect it's been the background stress of the approaching 12-week scan, and having gotten through that my body is saying "No, you ain't gettin' up yet, you just friggin' well lay there for another few hours."
Oh and in other indirectly baby related news, got rung up by the fertility clinic in regards to my semen and an unusual question. Pam knew I was adopted, and suddenly wasn't sure if the family history I put down was for my adopted family or not. I explained that it was for my biological family, based on convos with Bernadette, so that was good. But apparently she had a couple in that were interested in my semen!
Wow... how weird does that last line sound? Anyway, so that's the news to date.