So I was talkin' with Debbie and she says to me, "you got cracks." I was like, OMG, WTF?! So I go look in the mirror and sure enough, I got cracks and a friggin' obsidian knife sticking out of my side. I'm like, who the hell wanna stab me?
So I go to the doctor, and he tells me I'm pregnant! Fuck me! He checked me out and said it looks like I'm gunna give birth to a moon and a bunch of stars. I don't want no stars! Shit!
If anyone wants me, I'm gunna be watching Oprah.
So, I gave birth. Haven't bothered naming most of teh stars, they were all boys. 400+ of em! The moon I'm gunna call Coyolxauhqui, cos I think it's cute name for a girl. All these mouths to feed are gunna play hell with my titties. Hope they don't lose their shape to much.
I have had the worst day ever! Seriously! It started when I couldn't find my skirt, you know, the snake one. I fuggin LOVE that skirt cos it shows off my legs an now I can't find it. I asked Coyolxauhqui if she had borrowed mummy's skirt for her doof, but she's acting like a little bitch right now, so I couldn't get a straight answer.
Anyway I was sweeping temple an I found a ball of feathers right? An like, no-one owned it or anything, it was just a ball of feathers. So I picked it up and stuck it down my cleavage, cos I thought it might feel nice, an it did. STFU anyone who calls me perve, it's like a feather boa for my girls, ok?
So I went to look for it a while ago and couldn't find it! I was like, WTF?! It's not like my titties could eat feathers! Anyway, I start to feel strange and guess what! Preggers again! How did I get preggers from feathers? What sort of feathers do that to a girl?
Man, I wish I'd had sex ed at school is all I'm sayin'.
Worst is my kids don't believe their mum :(
So I've put on a bit of weight. I'm eating a lot. Debbie says it's cos I've got so many mouths, and I'm like STFU bitch! I'm friggin' depressed, ok? My kids tried to kill me and I had a bloody big warrior pop out of me and massacre them all! Show some compassion, bitch!
Quetzalcoatl and Tezcatlipoca are a comfort though. And they make so many nice things to eat! Yum!
Okay, my last post, where I said Quetzalcoatl and Tezcatlipoca were nice. Just delete that from you minds okay? Why? Well, they only turned into snakes and pulled me in two! So now I've got people and stuff growing all over my head and shoulders, and for the rest of me it's like everyone's my gynocologist!
And the other gods, what have they done about it? My compo is I get to give people what they need to survive! Me! How is that my friggin' compensation?
Okay, well the other gods realised they'd made a bad call, and are gunna make sure I get lots of blood an hearts to eat. Yay for human sacrifice!
Shit. You know the problem with becoming the world (apart from Debbie's unceasing fat jokes)? Time gets measured differently. I turn my back for a minute and suddenly the Aztecs haven't been around in like forever! No more blood and hearts for me *sniffles*
Guess I went through all that for nothin' huh? None of the noobs wandering around on me now know how to sacrifice to me or nothin'. *sigh*
And to top things off, I think I've caught something. I'm running a temperature.