dalekboy (dalekboy) wrote,

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Days of Turmoil and Blessings

Been having a rough time of it recently, mainly emotionally and mentally, but there have been some improvements. Physically I'm tired a lot of the time, but I seem to be slowly getting a little feeling back down my right hand side, and my balance is much improved. At the same time I haven't cried in the shower for over a week, and I seem to be numb enough to be getting through my days in a basic sense.

But there's still a lot of damage and turmoil. The biggest problem I have is that so much of my mental and physical energy seems to be unconsciously focused on keeping me stable and basically functional around home, that I can't do much else. So the work on the eBay business is going way slower than I'd like. I get a few items updated and then I'm pretty much stuffed. My most mentally productive times of the day seem to be in the wee hours when mum and Shaz are in bed, which doesn't surprise me. It's a whole layer of functionality I don't need to maintain. Of course physically I'm stuffed :)

Sex drive is more or less cactus. Sharon is in the bizarre position of trying to initiate sex and finding me unresponsive most of the time. On the bright side, the last time we managed to have sex, I didn't cry all over her when I came so that's kind of nice! Though I can't help but wonder if it's a sign that I'm that much better, or I'm that much numb-er.

So yes, I have up barriers that allow me to function without being a crying mess all the time, but it's really easy to get through them. All it takes is a small act of love or kindness.

Sharon hand made me garlic bread today, and I cried. Seshat and Hespa both sent me a short sweet SMSes and I teared up. Last night when John realised I wasn't physically able to read the menu, he started to run through the list for me. I didn't cry, but only because I was so mortified that I was unable to read enough to get through a menu.

On one hand, I'm feeling needier, wanting way more contact with the people that I love, even if it's just me reaching out to them with a short message. On the other, it exhausts me and I feel a nuisance, so I try to spare them my interruptions. Yes I know, stupid. I figure I'll likely make up for it when I see them in person, as I'll probably melt down all over them and they'll need to look after me anyway.

Overall, I seem to be healing physically and mentally, but what I really need is to vanish for another few months. And since there's all sorts of reasons why that won't be happening, I'll just muddle through as best I can. But I have plenty of people willing to help me, so I feel blessed even in the midst of the turmoil.
Tags: health

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