dalekboy (dalekboy) wrote,

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So where does the happy go?

The last few days have been... ok. For a start I've had a sex drive, or at least the half-hearted stutterings of one. I mention it first because this is a pretty good indicator of how I'm doing. It takes a lot to kill it. The fact that I'm having runs of 8-10 days at a time where I have no or even negative desire is fairly telling. If I'm comfortable, relaxed or happy, chances are I'll be running with at least my usual background interest in sex.

For the rest, my mood has been alright, I've struggled a bit but managed to get some stuff up and sold on eBay, I'm enjoying IM-ing with my new crush (who doesn't return those feelings but does rather enjoy talking with me, so it's win-win regardless), home is good, Mum's ok, life with Sharon is as wonderful as always, and I haven't cried at all for a week or so, not even in the shower.

That said, I hadn't been pleased to realise the other day that at least part of the reason was that I was feeling comfortably numb.

This is not my preference, 'cause I know the grief and pain just hides away and festers if this happens. However, the things that numb it tend to be more or less endemic to my home life. I'm not trying to hide away the bad feelings, but in dealing with mum, the business, everyday life, I just unconsciously shunt the pain to one side. And because I don't realise I'm doing it, it's kind of hard to stop myself. So I suddenly woke up to the fact the other day, but had no idea of how to stop it happening. However I knew that it would likely break me again, probably quite soon. Which would appear to be now.

I'm not complaining... and I am. On one hand, I want to feel it all as it comes, because then it doesn't build up to the overwhelming levels that caused the breakdown as soon as I left Canberra and relaxed. On the other hand, because what is happening tends to be squeezed off to a drip, the pressure builds up until I blow. And that is my current cycle. Instead of a steady, even release of emotional pressure, my fucked-up brokeness will stagger to a halt over a few days, stay quiet for a bit, then explode and overwhelm me again.

It's worth stopping it happening because otherwise there will be hidden pressures that still don't get released and I'll get what I had at the start of my most recent trip - I'll fall to absolute pieces as soon as I get away from here - which will mean that the things I want or need to do while I'm away will suddenly become much more difficult and awkward. And while I've learned enough and have been placed in a position where I'm quite willing to rely on some people to help me, I'd much rather that every time they saw me I wasn't a complete blubbery needy crying mess.

So I woke up this morning, and I felt good, happy, as I have here and there over the last week. I've been making myself get up once I wake up, rather than letting the background physical and emotional exhaustion keep me in bed, and it's been the right move. Even if I'm tired through the day, I'm up and about and getting on with my life, rather than lying in bed avoiding it until I feel better. There is a time for that, but I've done it for two weeks and it hasn't been helping, so time to change it.

I also felt sexually quite ready and able, both emotionally and physically, lying on my side with a hard-on so solid it was running parallel to the mattress. God knows, arousal has become a rare fleeting state with me, set off only by a couple of folks (and pretty much nothing else), and then rarely lasting long. So it was nice to feel a bit more like my old self.

Break out the baggy trousers, I'm taking this one out on the town! *grin*

Got up, wandered about, checked mail, replied to the Icon Meme, chatted to mum and Sharon and then... I've broken. Or rather, am in the process of breaking. It started small, feeling a bit teary and low, and it's slowly been building until now I'm at the point where I'm feeling a mess, and needy, and wanting to scream and cry... and I can feel it building beyond that.

While it's to be expected, it still surprises me because two hours ago I was happy. Happy right to my core. Even with all this, I'm still kind of jolly, because that's who I am at heart, it takes a lot to entirely remove it. As the dark waves of emotional pain wash over me, painting me in colours of grey and blue, what I don't get is this - Why now?

Why not last night, when I was feeling frail when I went to bed? Why not this morning? I woke up happy and horny, why didn't I just wake up feeling like this? Why not Friday, the day before that?

These aren't serious questions. I'm well aware that chunks of my mind are working away in the background and they pick their times and places to do things without my consultation.

So, I woke up wanting sex, wanting to feel a warm body moving against mine in shared joy, amusement, lust, whatever mix of things worked. Now it's all about need, closeness, and dropping barriers, not sex. I only want the skinship, the intimacy, want the touch of bare skin against mine from someone I trust to care for me, someone I can be broken with and know that they'll be strong enough hold me for the hours I need to be held...

Oh well, on with the day *smiles*
Tags: health, identity, serious thoughts, sex, unimportant but annoying

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