dalekboy (dalekboy) wrote,
dalekboy
dalekboy

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Rollercoaster goes up... guess the rest!

I had noticed since returning home that I had moved straight back into automatic behaviour that numbed me, kept me from dealing with too much of any strong emotions, so I could actually get one with my day-to-day life. I didn't particularly want to be numb, seeing it as a bad thing simply because that means everything gets held back until I next relax or get away from here - so more meltdowns when travelling. But the behaviour is so ingrained and automatic, it's hard to disrupt.

But the mind is a funny thing, and will do what it needs to, even when I'm trying to distract it.

I noticed that my emotions, and need for touch and intimacy, had been becoming more intense over the last few days. Not good or bad, just stronger. And at the same time the staggered return of my sex drive suddenly halted and vanished - well except for the occasional arousing effects of two people who seem to bypass that issue to different degrees, both of whom I don't actually have a sexual relationship with.

The other day, out of the blue, mum brought me some toast, and I choked back tears of gratitude. Last night, Sharon surprised me with a milkshake she'd made for me, and it was several minutes before I could drink it because I was too busy crying over her kindness while she held me.

The strong emotions aren't actually a bad thing, I've always been emotional and felt things keenly, this is just the same but moreso. It's just the knock-on effect of the emotions on my energy, life, and dealings with others that occasionally throws me.

But I mean, really? Who would have thought a breakdown could continue to disrupt so much of your day and interactions six weeks later? *grin*
Tags: health, identity
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