dalekboy (dalekboy) wrote,

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The little reminders...

I've had a very bad headache since mid-afternoon yesterday. Not a migraine, but bad enough that it makes me wonder if it's about to turn into one. I've taken the usual precautions. Today it has faded somewhat, but not completely, and its constant presence has rendered my skin tender to the touch. I'm not worried about it turning into a migraine now, but I am aware that my next migraine may have consequences. It may not. But given the screaming match I had with someone six months ago left me with a small but noticeable and permanent loss of sensation down the right hand side of my body, and I never even had a headache, I know I need to be wary.

But wary doesn't mean not living life, being afraid to act, it means taking the risks that are worth taking, worth the potential cost. To do less is to live a half life. In the same situation, with the knowledge I have now, I would have the same screaming match again because it needed to happen.

Been ages since I've had a headache this bad, and it's one of the little reminders of why I did my birthday trip, of why it's so important to tell people they're important to me. Because you never know when things will go pear-shaped and doing these things may no longer be an option.

There's always reasons not to do stuff - no time, no money, I'll do it later. There's always reasons not to tell people things - not brave enough yet, scared of rejection, I'm sure they know - and we always act like we have all the time in the world. But that's not always the case. Life is delicate and fragile, and it's only a sandwich away from choking, a drunk driver away from being hit, an electrical short away from being burnt, an unexpected blood clot away from mental or physical oblivion. Doesn't matter how fit and healthy you are, what holds us here and connects us to this plain of existence is a gossamer thread, and there are so many things for it to snag on.

Which all sounds so morose and fatalistic, when what I'm really saying is, make the most of it! Think about the things you want to do and rather than waiting until later, at least start planning them. Don't be afraid to love and be loved, even if it's not mutual, so long as neither person is a stalker, it's cool. Don't be afraid to tell the people who mean something to you exactly how you feel because, and trust me on this, now and again you wake up and that person no longer exists in a form where they can hear it.

So what's wrong with now? Right now? Plan that trip you've always wanted. Go for a walk, rather than putting it off until later. What's stopping you from emailing or calling or going to someone who matters? Pride? Fear? Embarrassment? Piffle! Those are transitory, and the regret of action is never as deeply hurtful and scarring as the regret of inaction when it's become too late to act.

All the worst regrets I have from life stem from inaction. Oh I've done things badly or wrong, made poor decisions I regret, but they don't stay with me the way the others do. The times I haven't acted stain my soul so much deeper than anything else.

I'm lucky, I now have something that keeps me aware that I need to act on things, because I'm only one bad headache and some poor fortune from not being able to.

It's a good place to be :)

But I hope some of you can reach it voluntarily. Much nicer that way *grin*
Tags: health, identity, perception shift, rants, serious thoughts

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