This morning I woke up with a feeling rather like a large, spiked ball of ice slowly tearing me open from groin to gullet. Grief and discomfort manifesting in an emotional sensation not unlike my torso being left an empty, tattered shell.
I have hidden my pain and distress well throughout the con. I don't try to, it's not like I'm ashamed or anything, I just go into auto-pilot with how I interact with folks. Plus there are very few folks here that I would be comfortable being conforted by, so auto-pilot works as a form of self-preservation in the absense of those who can make me relax with a simple touch.
My nod to how I'm really going has been to say, when asked, that I coping. The truth is I'm a complete fucking wreck, but on auto-pilot even I don't notice it. It's only when I stop, when I relax or am alone, that the grief overwhelms me again, that I suffer and cry.
Tonight, I'm happy. Really, truly happy for the first time in a month. I've been content, felt safe, been loved and cared for since the breakdown, and I've felt fleeting moments of happiness, but nothing like the high level of joy that I normally take from life.
Until tonight, I'd forgotten just how good I usually feel. But I've been reminded once more. The first kick off was Kali's comment to a recent post - part of it was just that little bit of cobtact, part was what she said. She made me smile.
Then there's been Sharon putting in a lot of time and effort trying to give me love and affection. Just that fact that she's trying so hard means a lot. She made me feel worthy of the effort she put in.
Most was the masquerade. I spent time talking to people I really like and appreciate knowing, chatted to people I've been meaning to talk to for years, and just enjoying watching a couple of folks dance up a storm. There are some people I could watch moving and dancing for hours, I find their joy infectious, and the two who head the pack both have the initials RH.
Lastly was chatting in the bar with Liz and Rachel. One I'd met only that evening, the other I've known for a while. There was some good conversation there, enough to leave me glowing and happy. I don't believe I connected particularly deeply with these folks or anything, but I got a good dose of my old joy at interacting with people who are well worth talking to. They made it easy to want to say up all night.
It's nice to feel this good again, and I just wanted to share it.