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Hooray for my external operating systems! [Sep. 15th, 2007|03:39 pm]
dalekboy
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[mood |thankfulthankful]

In Melbourne, Tiki was my brain. She could see how broken and non-functional I was and realised that someone else needed to be making decisions for me. Given choices I simply... stopped. Whereas if someone said, "You need to eat. I'm making you such-and-such." I could actually say no, I'm not hungry, or no, not up to eating that. I wasn't operating well enough to recognise when I was hungry, or to figure what I wanted to eat, but I could figure what I didn't want if it seemed I was going to have to deal with it.

She also drove me places, realising that if I was driven, I would actually have more mental energy to expend on the people I was with. She rarely gave me any choice. On a couple of occasions she told me that she was going to drive me the 45 minutes to such-and-such, I would be staying the night, and she'd pick me up in the morning. She never once gave the merest hint that it was any trouble at all. It's what I needed and as my friend, it's what she'd do.

I'm very, very grateful to her for all that she did for me while I was in Melbourne. And she knows exactly what I mean when I say I hope to Hell never to have to do the same for her *grin*

Travel to Perth was surprisingly easy. I had a destination, I had approximate dates to get there by, all I had to deal with was making sure I did those two things. Food and drink became automatic because they were part of what needed to be done to achieve the other two. I had a couple of problematic situations regarding whether I stayed the night somewhere, but Sharon acted as the mobile brain on those. "You're staying in Port Pirie, here are the names of three places that seem reasonably priced..."

I've arrived in Perth and... Simon has become my new brain. Today I have been way less functional than I was the day before. Not entirely broken, but still a huge mess. Simon took over the decision roll first thing today by bringing me a drink. He's continued by making decisions about food, and by offering to drive me to where I'm going tonight.

I was fully prepared to get there myself. It wasn't an issue, it was only a short drive, no worries. When Simon offered to drive me, I was surprised when I almost immediately melted down on the spot with gratitude - I had no idea the short drive was actually an immense subconscious stress until all of a sudden it was something I wouldn't have to deal with - then I suddenly knew how much of a background issue it would have been.

Simon rocks, but hey, you all knew that already.

Driving across the country, and trying to arrange to catch up with people - two completely different sets of skills for me at the moment. I can drive across the country to see people, I just can't organise to do the catching up once I'm there. Yes, I am odd.

How are you?

Pancakes is organised, that's my major feat. I rang and tried to explain things to the guy who was trying to work with an inflexible system and an inflexible mind. It drained me but it's done. But my original plans for catching up with lots of people away from pancakes - out the window, just like in Melbourne. Bugger!

Will take the chance with a few people to drag them off to a more private table for a quick five minute chat while at pancakes. There's a few I'd like brief D&M's with, and one where I need to at least get a conversation started about swearing that we can continue at Swancon next year.>

One of the things my big meltdown has brought with it is the firm knowledge that I am sick of leaving things unsaid to the people I care for and then losing the opportunity ever to say it. I've buried a girlfriend, grandparents, far too many favourite uncles and aunts (why does the good side of the family keep fucking dying off, while all the scum on the other side live on?), friends, my father, my dog, and most recently my daughter. Okay, I didn't bury Tracy, I burnt her up, but you know, just go with it, okay?

So one actual birthday present to myself has ended up being to tell certain people that I like them, love them and/or that they're important to me. Some are grateful, some are uncomfortable (those are mainly the guys - but hey, they'll live). The other present has been to open myself to the love and care of... well the people I love and care about. To let them help me out, and to actually ask them for help and give them the option, rather than deciding for them that they have better things to do than spend time on me. See the Love and Hate - Protecting post for a pre-breakdown look at this mindset.

As birthdays go, even with all the tears, emotional pain, physical exhaustion - it's one of the best and most rewarding I've ever had. I've been shown a lot of love, care, support and tenderness by my friends, and for the first time in my life, I actually feel like I may deserve some of it. I don't feel worthy of the sheer amount of kindness I've been shown, but I do at least feel like, hey, maybe I am worth some small amount of trouble afterall.

Thank you everyone.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: harveystoat
2007-09-15 10:18 am (UTC)
We love you, Danny. I'll see your good self at pancakes!
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[User Picture]From: dalekboy
2007-09-15 10:20 am (UTC)
And my bad self in your bedroom... Woof!
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[User Picture]From: babalon_93
2007-09-15 10:33 am (UTC)
Sadly I no longer live in Perth and thus won't be making it to pancakes, I would love to have a conversation with you about swearing :) I meant to comment on your blog post about it but have thus far been slack.
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[User Picture]From: dalekboy
2007-09-16 02:09 am (UTC)
Damn! Well, we'll just have to try and make time at a con or some such. Our recent discussions have reminded me how much I love your brain, and I want more please :)
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[User Picture]From: transcendancing
2007-09-15 11:13 am (UTC)
Am hoping to see you tomorrow afternoon - I have plans to wrangle the wasff meeting if necessary in order to leave by 3pm at the latest, though really getting out of there at 2.30pm would be even better.

If not I'll think of someway to make it easy (for both of us) to catch up with eachother :)

Love you.
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[User Picture]From: dalekboy
2007-09-16 02:10 am (UTC)
*goes all shy and slightly sad*

Thank you.
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[User Picture]From: transcendancing
2007-09-16 03:00 am (UTC)
The words i have right now, aren't words... just sounds atm.

*love*
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[User Picture]From: stephbg
2007-09-15 11:15 am (UTC)
I'm pretty sure it's I you have the appointment with for the swearing confab, but I can't promise to let fly in the environs of a pancake establishment. Swancon, definitely.

At least you'll be able to establish who I am, and on that basis decide if you want to retract your advice to me earlier this year about doing a Swancon variety spot :-)
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[User Picture]From: dalekboy
2007-09-16 02:12 am (UTC)
No, but we can talk about swearing without actually swearing *grin*

Or I can swear a little in Maori.

Do it! It's a safe audience!
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[User Picture]From: stephbg
2007-09-16 06:05 am (UTC)
I'm terribly sorry I couldn't make it to see you this afternoon. Like you I tend to run out of puff. I'm happy to have been a tiny part of the process that brought you here, and I look forward to seeing you at Swancon next year.
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[User Picture]From: dalekboy
2007-09-16 02:13 am (UTC)

Re: we'll be there

I am so very, very, very happy that I'll be able to catch up with you pair. Thanks for making it easy.
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[User Picture]From: arcadiagt5
2007-09-15 12:54 pm (UTC)
OK, since you need people to make decisions for you right now I'm more than happy to help. :)

I'm buying you and Sharon dinner one night when you get back to Canberra. I'll set it up with Sharon soonish.

Take care, stay well, enjoy the trip!
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[User Picture]From: dalekboy
2007-09-16 02:14 am (UTC)
Yes boss :P
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From: leecetheartist
2007-09-16 02:21 am (UTC)
Rob and I are sorry we can't catch up at Pancakes, we're committed to a family do today. Which is a shame, because I have half a bottle of that car polish that adds colour to your car suitable for the Bellwood.

Years ago we had a Kingswood HQ or was it a HT Station Wagon which was the same colour as yours. :-) We've no use for it now, but I thought you might be amused to have it.
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[User Picture]From: dalekboy
2007-09-17 04:05 am (UTC)
Bugger! You know, people who make icons really need to look out for that! Now I want to redo it :)

I've got the maker credited in my user icons section. The quote if from the show Grey's Anatomy. The full version is -

"No one likes to lose control. But still there are times when it just gets away from you. When the world stops spinning and you realize that nothing’s gonna save you. No matter how hard you fight it, you fall. And it’s scary as hell. Except, there’s an upside to free falling — it’s the chance you give your friends to catch you."

Even more apt given recent weeks :)
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[User Picture]From: pedanther
2007-09-17 12:47 pm (UTC)
It also says "scary as as hell", I've just noticed.
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From: bigevilogre
2007-09-16 08:19 am (UTC)
Wish I could have been there. Who knows what sort of chaos I could have unleashed... and probably get arrested for.
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