|Hooray for my external operating systems!
||[Sep. 15th, 2007|03:39 pm]
In Melbourne, Tiki was my brain. She could see how broken and non-functional I was and realised that someone else needed to be making decisions for me. Given choices I simply... stopped. Whereas if someone said, "You need to eat. I'm making you such-and-such." I could actually say no, I'm not hungry, or no, not up to eating that. I wasn't operating well enough to recognise when I was hungry, or to figure what I wanted to eat, but I could figure what I didn't want if it seemed I was going to have to deal with it.
She also drove me places, realising that if I was driven, I would actually have more mental energy to expend on the people I was with. She rarely gave me any choice. On a couple of occasions she told me that she was going to drive me the 45 minutes to such-and-such, I would be staying the night, and she'd pick me up in the morning. She never once gave the merest hint that it was any trouble at all. It's what I needed and as my friend, it's what she'd do.
I'm very, very grateful to her for all that she did for me while I was in Melbourne. And she knows exactly what I mean when I say I hope to Hell never to have to do the same for her *grin*
Travel to Perth was surprisingly easy. I had a destination, I had approximate dates to get there by, all I had to deal with was making sure I did those two things. Food and drink became automatic because they were part of what needed to be done to achieve the other two. I had a couple of problematic situations regarding whether I stayed the night somewhere, but Sharon acted as the mobile brain on those. "You're staying in Port Pirie, here are the names of three places that seem reasonably priced..."
I've arrived in Perth and... Simon has become my new brain. Today I have been way less functional than I was the day before. Not entirely broken, but still a huge mess. Simon took over the decision roll first thing today by bringing me a drink. He's continued by making decisions about food, and by offering to drive me to where I'm going tonight.
I was fully prepared to get there myself. It wasn't an issue, it was only a short drive, no worries. When Simon offered to drive me, I was surprised when I almost immediately melted down on the spot with gratitude - I had no idea the short drive was actually an immense subconscious stress until all of a sudden it was something I wouldn't have to deal with - then I suddenly knew how much of a background issue it would have been.
Simon rocks, but hey, you all knew that already.
Driving across the country, and trying to arrange to catch up with people - two completely different sets of skills for me at the moment. I can drive across the country to see people, I just can't organise to do the catching up once I'm there. Yes, I am odd.
How are you?
Pancakes is organised, that's my major feat. I rang and tried to explain things to the guy who was trying to work with an inflexible system and an inflexible mind. It drained me but it's done. But my original plans for catching up with lots of people away from pancakes - out the window, just like in Melbourne. Bugger!
Will take the chance with a few people to drag them off to a more private table for a quick five minute chat while at pancakes. There's a few I'd like brief D&M's with, and one where I need to at least get a conversation started about swearing that we can continue at Swancon next year.>
One of the things my big meltdown has brought with it is the firm knowledge that I am sick of leaving things unsaid to the people I care for and then losing the opportunity ever to say it. I've buried a girlfriend, grandparents, far too many favourite uncles and aunts (why does the good side of the family keep fucking dying off, while all the scum on the other side live on?), friends, my father, my dog, and most recently my daughter. Okay, I didn't bury Tracy, I burnt her up, but you know, just go with it, okay?
So one actual birthday present to myself has ended up being to tell certain people that I like them, love them and/or that they're important to me. Some are grateful, some are uncomfortable (those are mainly the guys - but hey, they'll live). The other present has been to open myself to the love and care of... well the people I love and care about. To let them help me out, and to actually ask them for help and give them the option, rather than deciding for them that they have better things to do than spend time on me. See the Love and Hate - Protecting post for a pre-breakdown look at this mindset.
As birthdays go, even with all the tears, emotional pain, physical exhaustion - it's one of the best and most rewarding I've ever had. I've been shown a lot of love, care, support and tenderness by my friends, and for the first time in my life, I actually feel like I may deserve some of it. I don't feel worthy of the sheer amount of kindness I've been shown, but I do at least feel like, hey, maybe I am worth some small amount of trouble afterall.
Thank you everyone.