dalekboy (dalekboy) wrote,

(phone-post) - Crash!

*The workman comes in and surveys the walls, then notices a little bit of paint flaking off. He gently removes it. There is a pause, a moment of silence, then the whole house comes crashing down around him. You can watch the domino effect as the damage grows, cascades... Eventually he's left standing there in the rubble, the original fleck of paint still grasped between his stubby fingers. He turns to the audience as the dust settles and says -

"You know, this might be a bigger job than I thought!"*

*cue laugh track*


This trip was originally a personal celebration, a chance to see some of my friends and for me to have a birthday in Eucla. Then it became both that, and the chance to self- repair after all that has happened in recent times. I fully expected to start the serious repair effort on the Nullarbor, except I've reached Melbourne and the last 16 months have come crashing down on me in one go as soon as I've arrived. I'm finally getting a good look at the damage, which is why I haven't slept or dozed at all yet and it's now 5:30am.

I knew I was a mess, knew I had taken a shitload of mental and emotional damage, not to mention the physical side-effects of the stroke. But wow! I am now barely functioning. I'm sleeping in an unzipped sleeping bag because, while I knew how to zip it up, I simply couldn't do it for myself.

It's actually pretty fascinating. And of course I'm able to examine the damage and write about it because this I can do on auto-pilot. I can't decisions but I can record what I'm going through.

Yes, I'm weird.

Falling apart the way I have tonight feels like a wonderfully positive step. After sixteen months the true rebuilding can start, as opposed to the running patch-up jobs I've been doing just to keep things running.

Of course it may well totally fuck my plans to catch-up with people. I'll just take things hour by hour, day by day and see how I go. I need to work at my own pace.

But that doesn't mean I ain't gunna ask some of you to help with the lifting and carrying.

That's what friends are for ;-)
Tags: health, identity, perception shift, serious thoughts

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