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Hard day, and the precious few... [Jun. 23rd, 2007|08:04 pm]
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[mood |discontentbroken]

I broke myself yesterday and so have paid the price today. After a night of not being able to snuggle with Shaz because my skin hurt, I woke and felt exhausted. Shaz dragged herself out of bed to go shopping, I dragged myself into the bathroom to have a shower and clean the tiles of said shower.

I sat at the bottom of the shower, cleaned, and sobbed with the effort of it. Part of it was physical and mental exhaustion. Part of it is that Saturday has now become the day I lost my daughter. It's three weeks. At the moment, every day is another day where I discover something else I won't be able to do with Tracy. I never heard her cry, never saw her move except on ultrasound. I'll never take her camping, show her Doctor Who, or disapprove of a boy she likes.

Last week we collected her ashes. It's still sinking in that I won't see that little form again, that the urn on Sharon's desk is all there is left. I danced with Tracy once. It hurts that she no longer exists in a human form that would allow me to do so again. Her remains are in a small ceramic vessel. Even though it's only about the size of a coffee mug, our daughter would have been able to go into it whole, and for there to be a lot of room left over. The urn has pink stripes.

We asked for green.

Shaz came home from shopping a wreck, and I asked her to join me in the shower. Once she was in I spent some time washing her body. It's not a sex or erotic thing, it's a gentle, intimate, matter-of-fact a way of showing care and affection. You make some time that is only about the other person, pamper them, love them, wash them. It's one of the things I enjoy doing for people who I like, be they lovers or dear friends. It brings me a great deal of pleasure to be able to show someone that I like them in this way.

And I like my wife. Very much.

We collapsed into bed again, knowing we had a big day of stuff to get done, feeling exhausted. I wasn't feeling so hyper-sensitive, so we cuddled and dozed, enjoying being close, warm skin touching.

Around 3:30 I dragged myself from bed, Shaz followed half an hour later. We've struggled through the day, got very little done, aware of the domino effect in play - that before we can get this job done, those jobs need to be done. We've gotten a couple of preliminaries going. Can't be bothered stressing about it anymore, it's all too hard. We'll do what we can, the house is quite messy but not unclean. And you know, if the estate agent doesn't like the state of the place, tough. We're broken people and speaking for myself, I'm not less broken today than I was three weeks ago. I may even be worse.

I take things hard, and it doesn't always show. I don't try to hide what I'm going through, I just have an attitude that tends not to show the pain and cracks so well. And often I don't realise how badly I'm doing until something happens to highlight it. It's funny, but if I'm dealing with another person's issues, my own almost always seem unimportant. I find it easy to be strong for others, sometimes to the detriment of my own needs.

There aren't many people who have shown me the sort of strength that means I can face my own fragility and ask them to be strong for me. To tell them when I'm feeling broken, or that I want to be held, or that I need skin contact. It's funny that a few days before everything went wrong, I contacted these precious few, sending each a small personal message telling them that I regretted my shyness with them.

Two days later, as I lay in bed alone on the Thursday night, I told them that if ever there was a time I wanted to be safe in their arms, it then. It doesn't matter if they were too far away for this to happen, or would be too uncomfortable with that level of closeness, or that in most cases I would probably be too shy to ask anyway even if we were in the same place.

It helps for me to be able to tell them that I could use their friendship, love and strength - to show them that with so many people in my life, they are people I feel safe with when I'm made of soap-bubbles - and hope that they know my love, strength and friendship is there for them in return...

...while I pray, for the very best of reasons, they never need it.

[User Picture]From: transcendancing
2007-06-23 12:11 pm (UTC)
I wish I could hold you. *love*
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[User Picture]From: stephbg
2007-06-23 02:57 pm (UTC)
I'm not sure if it makes a difference, but I'm listening and caring. My sister lost a late-term baby boy a few years ago and we had a proper funeral which seemed to help a lot. That and time, of course...
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[User Picture]From: redbraids
2007-06-23 04:49 pm (UTC)
Sending *hugs* east-ward on the jet-stream
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[User Picture]From: purrdence
2007-06-23 05:05 pm (UTC)
Can you contact the real estate agent and ask for the inspection to be postponed on compassionate grounds?
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[User Picture]From: battblush
2007-06-23 09:45 pm (UTC)
It might sound wanky (and forgive me if it does) but have you considered having a tree planting ceremony? You buy a tree or plant that means something to you, invite some close friends over and plant it in Tracy's honour. This way you get to publicly and jointly celebrate your love of Tracy and also celebrate the contination of life.

From what I've been told these trees usually thrive because of the love that is directed towarded them which further helps the parents' own grieving processes.

You have my love and my thoughts. And I agree about the inspection, ask for more time. Most agents are not bastards and will understand your need. Otherwise, if you do go through with it, explain as soon as the agent arrives, so they don't hold it against you.
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[User Picture]From: goth_kittie
2007-06-24 01:00 am (UTC)
It is not wanky at all, I promise you that.

My son was born and passed away at 23 weeks gestation - 5 years ago this year in July and I still cry, and I still miss him, and I still remember exactly every tiny detail. Of the only times I got to see him really being himself were on ultrasound. I have his ashes as well, but have never found an urn to place them in so they remain as they were given to me in a plastic box.

I planted a lemon tree for my son. It was beautiful and it thrived and produced lemons from a very "early age" for such a tree.. The thing I love the most is that it produces fruit.. It has a great amount of worth and it has life growing from it... and that to me was very significant.

Danny, this is a most genuine offer - if you want someone to talk to please feel free to prod me. I am always around and I am happy for you to yell and scream at me if you want to express it in the heat of the moment... I can understand. My son was my first born, and I was told I was never going to have children - he was my miracle.

My most heartfelt condolences too... I am not going to tell you time will heal you.. It won't. It will take away your pain, but it will never take away your joy at being a father. You will always have that proud title and she will always be your little girl.

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[User Picture]From: ghoath
2007-06-24 03:41 am (UTC)
We've struggled through the day, got very little done, aware of the domino effect in play - that before we can get this job done, those jobs need to be done. We've gotten a couple of preliminaries going. Can't be bothered stressing about it anymore, it's all too hard.

Life has been like that for me/us lately too, and the place has been in a bit of a mess as a result. i know how frustrating it is.
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From: bigevilogre
2007-06-25 12:57 am (UTC)
It's just a thought, but one thing to possibly consider is they make these little capsules for carrying nitroglycerine (For heart problems) in these nicely decorated little containers you wear around your neck. I used to have one I intended to put the ashes of my bird in when he died, but it never happened. (At the time he was the only one in the world aside from my mother who loved me)
What about putting just a tiny bit of the ashes in one of those and wear it with you?
I still cry for you when I think about this. Especially seeing that tiny little hand. It's not something you are her deserved. But I am certain in my heart of hearts that her soul is with you every waking moment of your lives. She's still there, you just can't see her. Maybe one day you can feel her presance.
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[User Picture]From: linstar
2007-06-25 03:23 pm (UTC)
Sweetheart, the avator for this post is absolutely beatiful. It made me cry when I first saw it.

Still thinking of you and Shaz. I know words can't really say much to you guys at this point of time, but you are both being though of with love.

*lots of hugs and kisses for both of you*
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