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Home again, home again... [Jun. 3rd, 2007|06:02 pm]
dalekboy
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[mood |thankfulthankful]

So, we slept pretty solidly and woke this morning feeling... knackered. No idea why! *grin*

We chatted to the doctor, who ended up crying in front of us because we're such a loving and supporting couple. Chatted to Maree, our favourite midwife, who is looking foreward to us coming back in again one day with a full-term pregnancy.

Didn't get to talk to Nurse Dalek, as we now call her. Shame, I would have liked to have heard her grate, "Next time bring in viable off-spring!"

And we spent time with our little girl once more. We may be the only people in the world who think this way, but to us she's beautiful and perfect. But you know what bloody parents are like! "Ooohhh.. isn't beautiful? She how's she's almost got ears? And look! You can see her skeleton through her skin! Isn't that adorable?"

I realised, thanks to the weight description on the box, that Tracy weighed the same as three of those Ferrero Rocher chocolate balls.

I realised also, that she was the same size as an action figure. I checked her against the palm of my hand and just paused to check against a figure here - my daughter was the same height as a David Tennant action figure!

I told Sharon there was something I needed to do with bub, and I hoped it wasn't too weird or freakish for her. I picked up Tracy in the little blanket and such that they had her wrapped in, and held her close to me. Then, swaying and turning gently, I danced with my daughter to the music in my heart.

Sharon wept as I danced the one dance I would ever have with our little girl. I looked up into her tear-filled eyes, turned back to Tracy and said, "You know, you're a crap dancer." To which Sharon responded, "Well, you're meant to be leading!"

I finished, and kissed Tracy goodbye, knowing this would be the last time I saw her. She's going to pathology in the hope that if it wasn't just a random hiccup, we can stop it happening again to one of her little brothers or sisters. We're arranging to have her cremated separately, and we'll collect her ashes. There won't be much left. I want to mix a little of her remains with my father, as it's the closest he'll ever get to seeing his grand-daughter.

I also want a pinch to go to Eucla with me.

lilysea drove us home and we collapsed into bed. I woke at one point to find Sharon crying in her sleep, so I held her and she awoke from the sad dream in my arms.

It's funny the way my mind works. Ok, it's also scary. On one hand I'm a little sad that I won't be able to take my healthy baby to Swancon and do a Doctor Evil and Mini-Me costume for the masquerade. On the other hand, with all the horribly black humour that has come from this situation, I'm very tempted to turn it into a show for the Melbourne Comedy Festival - with gutter_monkey's dalek in the appropriate part!

Teasing My Dead Daughter

a black comedy about miscarriage and livejournal.


We're both doing ok. A little teary, very tired, but good. We're also aware that in coming days, or weeks or months that we won't be. I don't know when Shaz or I are going to crawl into a ball and wail for an hour, but I know it'll happen. Probably more than a few times.

Thanks again, to those who posted, to those who thought about us, and to those who prayed for us. You've all shown that if we need you, a community of people is there to comfort us, hold us, to give us strength, and let us be as weak and fragile as we need to be.
linkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: callistra
2007-06-03 09:10 am (UTC)
LOL
Well, you had me laughing
:-)
And crying.
:-(
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[User Picture]From: dalekboy
2007-06-03 11:02 am (UTC)
That's what we've been doing for a couple of days. Nurse Dalek was a bloody corker though!
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[User Picture]From: mistress_wench
2007-06-03 09:28 am (UTC)
Damnit I'm crying again :P The kids are asking me why I'm crying, and I'm not sure how to explain it to them..
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[User Picture]From: dalekboy
2007-06-03 11:03 am (UTC)
Just tell them one of your friends is a sick, sad, hairy little man.
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[User Picture]From: dalekboy
2007-06-03 11:04 am (UTC)
I imagine the opening line as... "You know the funny thing about miscarriage?"
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[User Picture]From: transcendancing
2007-06-03 09:55 am (UTC)
This was beautiful, and funny, and loving.

*love, as always*
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[User Picture]From: dalekboy
2007-06-03 11:05 am (UTC)
Tracy was the same size as an action figure! Which means she was almost taller than you!

Love you lots :)
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[User Picture]From: mireille21
2007-06-03 01:17 pm (UTC)
You rock.
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[User Picture]From: dalekboy
2007-06-04 01:07 am (UTC)
Cock!
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[User Picture]From: tikiwanderer
2007-06-03 01:38 pm (UTC)
you're supposed to be leading

Y'know, some days Sharon really proves she's the wonderful woman you every bit deserve to have as a wife.

(I'm not sure what she did to deserve you, but that's another story :-)

-hug-
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[User Picture]From: dalekboy
2007-06-04 01:10 am (UTC)
So, tell me, why do I put up with you again?

I mean, other than for the eye-candy :P
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From: bigevilogre
2007-06-03 11:19 pm (UTC)
I cried a little bit for you guys last night. But I think it's all appropriate, especially the dancing and feeling she's beautiful. I don't know if you saw the post with the kitten problem I had, with the deformed one. People reacted by asking if I killed the thing. A few found out that was not the thing to say to me. I did what I could to keep it alive (Well, the vet did). To me it was still an adorable little kitten no matter the deformity.
You're going to be a great father some day. You have a lot of compassion and a poetic view on humanity and spirit. The day will come where all this will hit you with all the force of a heavyweight boxer right across your jaw... but you have a good mind and heart to get back up and try again. I'm glad you're doing the cremeation, too.
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[User Picture]From: dalekboy
2007-06-04 02:19 am (UTC)
I did see a bit of that post. One of the side effects of the mini-stroke is my seriously decreased ability to read - if I'm not wide awake it's virtually impossible to concentrate on text for more than a paragraph or so - and replying is difficult, too. Hence not interacting much on LJ - by the time I've written something, I'm stuffed.

But I did see your post about the kitten. I think I was travelling but I loved the way you wrote about it. And wanted to go back and read through the whole sequence. Will try to do that soon-ish.

And I meant to say this with one of your comments from the other day - I often find your words and thoughts in these situations beautiful and comforting. You have a rare emotional sensitivity mixed in with that in-your-face attitude, and it's one I recognise and respond well to. Without taking anything away from all the other wonderful people out there, you are one of the folks whose presence I cherish on here.

I really hope we get to hang out one day.
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From: (Anonymous)
2007-06-04 12:37 am (UTC)
i read this.. and cried myself to sleep because of it last night.. not in a bad way.. the image of a man dancing with his daughter, holding her little form close to him as he swayed is one of the most beautiful images I think I have ever visualized. Such beauty and love in that moment.. I'll hold in my heart forever.. the way you two are handling this astounds me at your humanity and strength.. thank you SO much for sharing this deeply personal moment.. i'm crying again! but for such good reason I dont mind the tears.. all the love in the world to the THREE of you
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[User Picture]From: fuschia17
2007-06-04 01:14 am (UTC)
Although he wasn't my son - he was my baby brother - the day they buried 18 year old Edward in March, I was already cracking jokes. After the funeral of course. I surprised myself... That doesn't mean I don't cry. But now I'm not so scared to let it out.

I can't begin to understand how you guys are coping. But I am on the journey of grief - for the third time since March now - in honour of Edward, my friend Ted and now Tracy.

You've helped me to get to this stage with the death of my brother. I'm here - when you want me - if you want me - to help you - both.
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[User Picture]From: dalekboy
2007-06-04 02:22 am (UTC)
I need help... I want to read about Rusty the Bastard but can't find it anywhere *grin*
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[User Picture]From: logansrogue
2007-06-04 01:04 pm (UTC)
Oh wow. I'm all red-eyed and rough-throated. You're amazing, and so is Sharon. When you finally get that little spirit into your life again, it's going to be the luckiest little beggar out. Cause you guys are fantastic parents. All my love.
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[User Picture]From: generalissimo_k
2007-06-04 02:36 pm (UTC)
From both Me and Mel, All out sympathy to you three.
If we could package happiness we would send it to you too.
But the sadness also has it's place.
you are wonderful, even in a darkest hour.
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[User Picture]From: rendragon
2007-06-08 01:21 pm (UTC)
Think this is the most beautful and honest post you've done, Danny.

Thinking of you both, hoping you're doing ok and knowng yo will be 'cause you're both such fantastic people.
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