Part of it is a belief in... more. It's not the slightest disbelief in science, I love and respect science. It's not a belief in God, or ghosts, or any of that stuff. It's a belief that there are things that science has yet to find a way of explaining, and I have every confidence that over time, be it five years or ten-million, science will grow and adapt and give us the answers to these things. But what I believe is based on my direct experiences and is not a belief as such. I need proof of some description, something that I can measure or quantify. It's feelings and instincts that I follow, and I've noted that when I follow these feelings, things usually go in the right direction. When I don't... the results are less than ideal. Not necessarily bad, just not fab.
So I meditate and do visualisation work, I try to listen to my instincts, try to listen when I'm 'told' things. But I never stop questioning whether it's coincidence, imagined, real, or I'm just being a wanker.
I've tracked back. We can pinpoint the conception date exactly, 25th Feb. My sex drive was dead the next day. Usually sex with Sharon leaves me hungry for lots more. She was expressing interest in sweaty-snugglebunnies after the 25th, while I was actively avoiding it. Not just not in the mood, really not wanting sex. Normally I am the equivalent of the yappy little dog you keep having to throw off your leg. I do have the occasional run of no desire, but it's rare.
It may be coincidence. I'm quite aware of that, and willing to accept it.
My mood swings and shifts started within a couple of days. Now I am a moody person, but it's usually fairly stable within a set range, and I control it quite well. As most of you are aware, I've been flailing about uncontrolled on an emotional and sexual bouncy castle recently. Days where I'm craving intimacy so much all I feel is grief, days where all I want to do is show and express my love and affection for people, days where I have no sex drive, days where it's so high I can barely function, days where I am so angry all I want is to punch someone until they stop moving, and days where I feel empty and incomplete and all I want is to be held and loved.
Now, I may have these sorts of days normally from time to time, but the ones I've been having are regular daily changes, and extreme. Really, really extreme. Any one day may contain two or more of these states mixed up together. I have never experienced mood shifts at this level. I know my emotional states, and these have been off the scale.
And that started, and has continued so far without pause, a few days after Sharon's pregnancy began.
And I'm happy to admit, it may well be another coincidence.
But what are the odds? Seriously, I'd like to know. If someone is able to do the maths on it, it'd be kind of cool! Given that I've become very good at listening to my feelings and instincts, given that I am way more in touch with myself than many people, what are the odds that I would have such a strange and extreme set of reactions starting within a couple of days of an unknown conception for no reason?
Now it's possible I have picked up on things. A subtle change in pheromone signiture, small changes in habit or body language that are ingrained into the human hindbrain. I'm quite willing to accept those as possible explanations.
Me personally? At this point I take it as an example of how I connect, to those nearest me, to people and places.
Something I am currently driven to make happen is a Nullarbor trip, both for myself and for the child. If Sharon could get the time off work, I'd have her driving back with me post-Swancon. That's not likely to happen, so my next choice is that we do the trip for next year's con. The baby would be five months old. I'd prefer it to be less than a month, but even I'm not that insane.
But I feel I have to get the child to Eucla, the younger the age the better. It's a driving urge. I want her to go to the place where I connect to the land most strongly, where I re-centre and touch this country and feel connected to it. I can do this almost anywhere, but Eucla is where I feel it most clearly. I don't know if my daughter will share my connection to this land, but if she will, that's where I'd like it to begin.
I've not been joking when I call it my spiritual home.
And Eucla is calling me now.