dalekboy (dalekboy) wrote,

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Remember how a few days ago I posted about being a bit fragile? I should point out to those that seemed worried, that I wasn't depressed or upset, I was just really needing intimate contact. I wanted to share thoughts and ideas, skin and sensation, feeling and emotions.

And I'm still feeling that way, like I haven't had enough, which is odd. Usually something like this will settle unless there's something to stoke it, but this is just sitting in the background, which is annoying.

The other odd element has been my hormones which have been alternating between dead, and bouncing off the ceiling, on different days. One day no interest, the next intensely distractable, then back again, all built on the background of wanting to connect and be close to people where I can relax.

These things don't always play well together. Some of the people who would welcome a long cuddle and chat session with me aren't people who would be comfy with me feeling amourous or sexually responsive, even if I wasn't actually attempting to move things in that direction. And speaking personally, if what I'm wanting is cuddle and talk, having a tingle in my loins as a constant distraction can be tiring to say the least. And if I was with someone who welcomed the sex, what are the chances my need for simply being held would be getting in the way of that?

I'm putting all this down to two possible things. One is that I've felt over the last month or two like I was changing. Attitudes shifting, attention moving in different directions - kind of like the foundations of who I am were being restumped. Which is a wanky sort of thought but hey, I've had enough shifts and changes in my life and attitudes to accept the idea on face value and to wait and see if it's only an idea, or whether it is something that's happening.

The other possibility is simply that I've been overdoing it. I haven't been resting properly since before I headed to Melbourne for the discworld con. Since then I've been on some long drives which wore me out, fighting tech hassles, etc. Plus I haven't actually rested and taken stock since I had the good news about my health. In the face of all that, wanting to lay around being held and talking about things quietly with someone I like and trust, is quite a reasonable response.

So this coming week has to be about rest. This time tomorrow week I should be in Melbourne (or nearly there) for a night before I collect hespa and we head off on the Nullarbor trip. I simply can't start the trip having not rested up, if only because it'll leave me too ruined to get through the convention.

May try to get up some of the half-finished posts, rather than writing anything new, but may manage nothing. So if I seem quieter than normal, that'll be why.
Tags: health, identity, serious thoughts, weirdness

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