dalekboy (dalekboy) wrote,
dalekboy
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100 Days of Love and Hate - Day 66

Foreskins
Now, I have one of these, and I'm quite fond of it. I've seen willies without a foreskin, and those are fine too. What I find repulsive is the attitude of select women to them.

I've been around groups of girls where one has mentioned a guy with foreskin and the reaction from some of the group has been to say that they are gross and disgusting. I have heard women talk about how they are ugly, heard them say they'd never sleep with a guy with a foreskin, etc.

Okay, let's ignore that it's a perfectly natural bit of the body and get right down to what these women are saying - that for purely aesthetic reasons, they prefer their men with mutilated genitals.

For the record, none of my partners have been thrown by it in the least, and for a few I was their first guy with a foreskin. Some of the friends who had a good look have been quite fascinated by it, actually.

Now, I need to be clear here. I actually have no problem with circumcision itself, be it for religious reasons, medical, whatever. I do think that, except in extreme circumstances, it shouldn't be performed until the male in question is old enough to decide for themselves whether they want it done. But in a cultural setting where it's the norm, I'm happy to accept that it will be done while the child is still a baby, that they'll grow up with it that way, that it will be normal for them.

No, my issue is purely with those who make statements saying that the only penis they are willing to accept is one that has been cut. If we were talking about female circumcision in the same context "I wouldn't sleep with a woman with a clitoral hood, they are ugly," most of these ladies would be horrified at the thought of someone supporting female genital mutilation.

But by their words, they are effectively saying they support the male
equivalent.

There have been studies, none of them terribly conclusive, on the effects removal of the foreskin has. There is enough evidence to suggest that circumcision in adult men has been related to decreased sensitivity, erectile dysfunction and other issues of reduced sexual enjoyment. As I said, the studies haven't been conclusive, but I know for myself that my foreskin protects the head of my penis, keeping it sensitive, and the skin itself is responsive to stimulation - it's an extra area that can provide pleasure.

One of the most interesting studies, which has a little more backing it up, is that a foreskin reduces friction during intercourse, since the penis slides along its own shaft of skin. If the studies that back this up are correct, it helps prevent loss of vaginal wetness and makes things more comfortable and pleasurable for both parties. One set of tests on a specially designed sheath showed that there needed to be ten times the force to get a penis with the foreskin fully retracted in, compared with the foreskin in its normal state. Speaking personally, I know I find it much easier to enter a partner without the skin retracted.

And before anyone even thinks of bringing it up, studies into the health and cleanliness issues with and without foreskin are pretty inconclusive. It's pretty much down to the individual's own hygiene efforts. Teach a child, male or female, to keep their genitals clean and they are less likely to have issues with them in that regard.

But all these are simply side issues.

This isn't a preference for a naturally occurring physical trait, like height, size or colour. This is a preference for people who have usually had sections of their genitalia excised without their permission when they were children. Whether they mind or not isn't the issue. There are women who have been circumcised and can't understand the fuss we make about something that's always been done.

To most of us, the notion is horrific.

I'm not saying you can't enjoy a nicely circumcised dick. I'm saying that if you state that you would reject people for not having had this done, you need to think about what it is you're actually saying.




Wanking

I was going to title it "Masturbation" but decided no, I'm definitely a wanker :)

There was an article I read recently on sexual politics where the writer talked about how it was fine for guys to masturbate, but there was still a huge stigma attached to women doing it. Maybe it's a cultural thing, but my experience in Australia and my brief time in the sex industry showed just the opposite - a woman can mention her vibrator in casual conversation and it will raise barely an eyebrow, but most guys are still reluctant to admit to masturbation at all.

I think among many men it's almost like there's a shame attached to the admission. If you own up to masturbating, you're effectively saying you have to masturbate because you're not able to get laid. In the sex shop, I used to talk to male customers about the artificial vaginas and other male-oriented toys in a very blokey way. You could see them discounting the idea, until I used the angle of mentioning that women had had dildos for thousands of years, they have hundreds of vibrators to choose from, and it's about time toys for men were being made and had moved beyond inflatable dolls. It appealed to their sense of fairness. All of a sudden they'd be talking about how women got all the sex toys, and so hey, what was there for guys? I didn't really see it like that, but you could see them looking at the toys and then getting shy, so I saw my job as getting them to relax enough on the mere idea so that they could properly decide if they wanted one.

Some bought nothing, but many took the plunge and bought artificial vaginas, silicon gloves and other toys. I occasionally wondered about buying something for myself, but I'm quite vanilla in that regard, my hand works fine.

I love a good tug. Have since I discovered the joys of my willy when I was a kid. And as I aged, and my sex drive gradually took on mighty proportions (even if other bits of me didn't), so my love of masturbating grew. Over the years I've had a few lovers, but only my hand was as consistently in the mood as I was.

Now I've talked before about my high sex drive, so when I say I wank a lot, you should understand that I mean it. Very rare I only tug once in a day, and two to three times a day would be about the norm. About once every month or two I'll have a couple of days where my hormones are bubbling away so madly that five or six times is not unusual. Maybe once in twelve months I'll have a run of a week like that.

Now I can usually go without with no real issues, and have done on many occasions. There are situations where I just ignore my raging hormones because there's not going to be time, I'm too busy, where I am won't allow for it, or the person I'm with means I can't or feel I shouldn't. It's rare that these times are an issue for me. It's like a part of me recognises that masturbating over this period would be a problem, so my sex drive auto-adjusts and has me running at... not a lower level, but on a different track, one where I enjoy my arousal, but don't need the release.

And maybe twice a year I'll have a run of a week or more where I have no desire. I just plod through my day, get things done, no problem and no self-abuse. Ironically, given the topic and my usual stats, when I started this post a fortnight ago (my various computer woes delayed it) I was having a run of no urge for over a week. I think I masturbated twice. But my urges have slowly climbed to their normal levels, yesterday was a three times day, which is good, because I'm finishing this piece in a period where I won't be able to have a play again until Thursday. Today is Tuesday and I'm already chew-the-furniture horny.

It's going to be a long couple of days.

Of the times when I'm not able to play for several days, and my urges are still humming along loudly, the fantasies become harsher, less about enjoying and sharing myself with a person, and more about... well... pounding and using them.

I do find it interesting that at those times, my fantasies become distinctly more sexually aggressive, my attitudes become more unpleasantly male. More than once I've shocked myself with a quietly muttered comment on how badly 'she wants it' - the 'she' being whatever anonymous woman that has caught my attention - and have broken the mood instantly with a follow-up murmur of "Where the fuck did that come from?!"

As any of you would know who read this journal, it's not an attitude I find attractive in anyone, especially myself. But it doesn't translate into my everyday life, only the situations that engage my sexual fantasies - the next time I have sex, if it's before I've had a chance to wank, I may be more lascivious and wanton, but the aggression is kept well under control.

Unless it's with a partner who welcomes and wants that side of me.

But it's those times when the aggressive sexuality is rumbling along in the background, and I'm waiting not-quite patiently for the chance to whack off a half-dozen times in a row, that I remember there is a good reason I occasionally describe myself as more animal than human. It's another reason I wank a lot. I accept it, but I don't particularly like who I become at the times when the aggression kicks in, even if it's only in my head.

Masturbating is often one of the first things I do in the morning. I just find that if I have a fiddle first thing it lets me work away for a few hours on whatever I'm doing unhindered by the distraction of my urges.

I should clarify I'm talking masturbating until orgasm. If you're talking about an idle play just to take the edge off or relax and feel nice for a few moments, you can add an extra couple here and there peppered throughout an ordinary day.

And I tend to like when others masturbate, too, if nothing else on a conceptual level. Naturally, with some folks I don't want to know too much info, with others I would kill to be a fly on the wall. There are times and places where I welcome such a discussion, and times when I don't. But as a basic idea, if it's someone I like and they're having a pleasant time, I'm happy for them. For me it hits the same buttons as them telling me they've just had chocolate, bought new shoes, taken the time to read a great book - they've done something nice for themselves - and I'm pleased for them.

I think one of the reasons I like people having a good wank is that it shows a certain level of acceptance of their own needs and desires.

Growing up a catholic boy, I got a seriously screwed up attitude to it. I spent my first few years thinking that if it were bad to masturbate, it must be even worse to do so on a Sunday. Then at some point I discovered that the real Sabbath was Saturday, the bloody church had moved it! I spent the next several years with an elaborate self-justification system in place so I could wank on weekends.

I remember going to confession every two weeks, and being too ashamed of admitting to masturbation by name. The hold-all term I used was 'being dirty.' I hated that term and all the negative implications for what is essentially a pleasurable release.

I hate when small children put their hands down their pants and are told harshly "Don't!" or "Don't do that, it's naughty/dirty!" before having their hand lightly slapped or pulled away. It's a part of their own self-discovery of their bodies, which includes things like running, jumping, and spinning in circles until they throw-up. What sort of a message is this sending to the kids about their bodies, their genitals, their need to feel pleasure? I decided some time back that if I had children, the wording I would use would be a gentle "It's not polite to do that in public."

Whether it's damage from my religious upbringing, or my own insecurity, masturbating is one of the areas where I'm incredibly private. I'm more vulnerable during a wank than I ever would be during sex, because the wank is purely about me - my desire and need are on show. So it's not something I share easily, even with trusted partners, even with my wife. I just feel too vulnerable and self-conscious to enjoy it, as a rule.

Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, I can't wank around Sharon. Part of that is because of her low need for sexual release. I get self-conscious, thinking she's looking down on me for having such strong needs/urges. I know logically she doesn't think that way at all, hell we've even spoken about it, and I know she's not fussed, but I still have that emotional block. And let's face it, emotions win out over logic a lot of the time, especially where sex is involved.

My other partners I've had a similarly difficult time masturbating around, with the exception of Kali. As usual, my mistress bypasses a lot of those problems, which is good because we tend to turn each other on a lot. And she loves watching me wank, finds it a nice turn-on. And it's a wonderful extra buzz for me to have a woman who thinks I'm gorgeous, watching me and getting so very aroused by it. There's nothing like masturbating for someone or around someone and hearing them groan in lust and appreciation of what they are seeing. It makes you feel sexy and beautiful and can give you a nice extra buzz. You want them to see how hot you can get, see you lose control and need to come, you want for them to get just as turned on.

That degree of relaxation runs both ways, Kali is perfectly comfortable playing around me. We can be talking while driving somewhere and whoever is the passenger may decide to have a nice play with themselves. I love it when I'm driving along and she starts to do this. It's a hugely arousing, of course, but it's also nice that she's so very comfortable around me, and I love seeing her doing something nice for herself too.

Actually, now I think about it, a surprising number of my female passengers have felt comfortable masturbating while I drive. I'm not only talking partners, some people who were simply good friends. I can think of three off the top of my head, all of them people who I was close to but not intimate with. I wonder if it's the fact I'm driving? They're comfortable around me and in the mood, know my eyes are on the road, but also know they'll have an appreciative and safe audience.

Odd the things I remember or realise while writing these pieces.

I always feel honoured when I'm allowed to watch someone wank. To me it shows a huge level of trust and relaxation. I get a similar thing with the women who I've held while they played with themselves, though I try not to watch them. The point of holding them is to let them feel a warm body near them, someone who cares for them, and enjoys sharing this with them. I often feel that breaking away to watch them would change that dynamic, turn it from a moment shared to object and observer, that they'd feel my attention wander from them to their genitals. That said, if I knew they'd enjoy being watched as well, no problem!

Off the top of my head, I can think of two non-lovers who I would let watch me all the way to orgasm. I still may not be able to get past my self-consciousness to even begin, but they are two ladies who I'd be willing to attempt to be on display for if they asked, even if the request was out of simple curiosity instead of lust or desire.

And of course there have been the few ladies where cuddles, and they as people, have gotten me so worked up that I had to wank. It was only for a few moments to take the edge off and settle me down so that I wasn't so distracted any more, didn't need to finish or anything. But I'm not sure they ever realised how much that was really a show of trust over lust. With most folks I wouldn't have allowed myself to get that far because it would leave me too vulnerable. I could do it and asked if it would be an issue because I really was incredibly comfortable, as well as horny. With anyone else I would rather deal with the raging hormones than open myself to being that vulnerable.

I've also had the weird experience of having one of my male friends jack-off with me there. He was over for a visit, suggested we put a video on, and it happened to be an anime with lots of high-level sex. Part way through, he tells me that he's not been laid in ages, the vid has gotten him really worked up, and would I mind if he masturbated. I was comfortable, so I said I wouldn't mind, and very carefully kept my eyes fully glued to the screen. I had no desire to watch him wank, though I would have been curious to, if only to see another male in action. And I didn't want to risk a glance in case it made him self-conscious and ruined his wank. He finished off and thanked me, and I told him I was glad he felt so comfortable around me.

Very rare for me to masturbate thinking about people I know that I haven't had sex with. Part of that is an inbuilt thing - it doesn't matter that it's fantasy, I almost feel I'm betraying their trust if I do. Which I know is silly, but there you go. Oh I do very occasionally wank about one of my friends, but it's pretty rare, maybe three or four times in a year. Given that a conservative estimate of how many times I masturbate a year would come out at 700+, it barely rates a mention.

The materials I use to fuel the furnace are pictures or vids. Many are porn, some are more gentle and erotic, a few are ones I'd taken of current partners. With regards to ex-partners, I tend to delete compromising pics unless I'm told it's ok to keep them, though I generally don't ask if I can keep them. I just assume I can't.

My visual memory is a weird thing, it still works ok with film, but when it comes to the more intimate moments in my life, it lasts a few hours at best. I find this slightly distressing, as I want to remember their skin, their scent, the way it felt to move with them. So probably 75% of the porn I look at is primarily used as memory enhancement, sometimes in regards to the act, often in regards to current specific partners.

Speaking of partners, I have to say most women have no idea how to jack off a guy. But that's okay, because most guys are equally crap at masturbating women. One of the joys of having been allowed to watch a few friends masturbate is to see the wide variety in styles, ranging from someone who did little more than rhythmically squeeze her legs together, to someone who used movements of a single finger that were so subtle to be almost unnoticeable, all the way to full-on vibrators in two holes, and beyond. While there's generally less variety in what needs to be done to get a guy off, I've found most women to be way too rough as they go for a hard, fast, mechanical pumping motion.

It's worth working with a partner to find out what they like, to take direction, and to give it when it's your turn. It's all part of the fun, finding out what works, especially in the early days.

So yes, I masturbate a lot. As to quality, I usually really enjoy the wanks I have. I take as long as it needs. Some people appreciate good food. I appreciate great sex and I love a good wank.

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Tags: identity, love & hate, rants, sex
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