dalekboy (dalekboy) wrote,

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My relationships, health, and related...

I wrote yesterday about shazgirl getting upset about my deteriorating health. In retrospect, knowing Shaz as I do I'm amazed it didn't happen sooner, though given how very well she'd been dealing with it, when it did happen it was a heartbreaking surprise. She's strong, but protective and a little fragile when it comes to me being hurt, as you'd expect. She would cheerfully defenestrate anyone who threatened me with harm, but this is something where she can't help except by offering support, both emotional and physical. Especially as I become increasingly unreliable and have difficulty with things, she can only watch my frustration at not being who I know I should be, with no way to take away the pain of that.

Kali I suspect sees this more the way I do - it's a nuisance and a bit of a shame - though I may be wrong on that. I've assumed it hasn't affected her as deeply because she doesn't show it, but then, I often don't show it either. At one point while driving together I commented a few times on the pain in my legs, then later asked if what I was doing was whingeing, in my usual concerns of being an imposition or nuisance. She said no, I wasn't whingeing, it was more a giving of updates, which was important because if I don't do that, even she doesn't realise how badly I'm doing at any given time, and she knows me at least as well as Sharon.

I do feel like it limits my relationship with Kali more than it does Sharon, because Kali and I like doing active or creative stuff together. Even going for a walk is a way of us connecting at a much deeper level. I'm older than Kali, old enough that she completely missed out on me at her age, where I was much more a physical match for her energy levels. Probably not as high, but certainly a better match than in the time she's been my mistress. Now I feel like a constant weight dragging her back when we're together. And the creative suffers because often the physical exhaustion makes me mentally exhausted as well, though I try not to show it, or don't realise how stuffed I am.

So where am I at?

If I get two of my thirty emails a day answered, I'm doing well. The main reason so much is getting done on LJ is it requires little or no thought. I get caught in front of the PC anyway, because walking the 12 feet to my bedroom often seems too great a task, so I just don't move. Yes I know, stupid, but there you go.

I don't actually read as much on Lj as I used to either, which is somewhat annoying. I skim most people now, and only read a couple of regulars. I don't have the concentration for lots of posts. From April last year I started four books, finished two of them... one of those being Shaun Tan's The Arrival, which while it has no words is still a profoundly deep and moving story. I'm not even reading comics anymore. Thank heavens for my love of good TV and film.

Also as mentioned in another post, I've not been able to write fiction at all. Which is kind of shitty. Most of what I write on here is stream of consciousness, it's how I talk, so it's no strain to write at all. As many of you have seen, I can get dragged up in front of an audience with no warning, and give a heartfelt impromptu speech that gets my thoughts and emotions across quite well. The written word is only more difficult because I need to allow for the lack of subtle vocal cues and emphasis, and my increasingly bad grammer, spelling, and word transposition (if that is a real term). Most 100 Days posts are written in one sitting, editing as I go.

When I can be more active, I go play with the dog, do a little sorting, do business stuff, do the watering, etc. Though 10 minutes wandering around and readjusting my balance with a watering can usually knocks me rotten for a couple of hours afterwards. Sometimes I still run back and forth full pelt because even though I'll suffer later, it's fun being bouncy and oh-so-worth it. I also get distracted. I got distracted the other day into standing photographing bugs for an hour. Paid for that one... but got one or two good pics, I think, so it was worth it.

I'm only just starting to realise how much and how well I hide what's going on, even from myself. Often when I think I'm being distressingly obvious, for others it's low level. And I need to fight for a certain level of balance between my twin desires, total honesty, especially with my friends, and not wanting to be a burden or worry. I do need to get better at letting people know how bad I am, if only so I am given less stuff I need to work on and can therefore (hopefully) manage the little I've got. I'm often having to tread the line between not letting this define me and being aware that if I'm not careful, I pay for it so much I get trapped by it.

But on the plus side, I've let it make me more aware of things left unsaid and undone, and to try and act more on those. In some ways, it's a little like a variation on that old concept of the guy who thinks he's going to die, and so goes around telling people how much he's hated them all these years. Except in my case, I'm wanting to go around and tell people -
"Do you know how much I like you?"
"Have I told you how much I admire your mind?"
"You do realise I've been in love with you for years, don't you?"

In that respect, I wouldn't mind it lasting long enough so that I'd get to tell all the people I like, love, or lust after how I felt.

And then get better to deal with the consequences *grin*

The other good thing is that it's really giving me a chance to examine myself in fine detail, define the things I need most, and occasionally backtrack and figure out where major emotional damage occurred. Even if I can't fix some of this stuff, knowing about it and how it shapes my reactions is good. And I find it fascinating to watch myself go through this, I'm like my own personal science experiment!
"Subject continues to display good cheer, and even humour, in the face of more limitations and physical discomfort. Still seeking a breaking point. Subject just picked up toothbrush when he wanted shampoo in shower... aaaaaaannndddd there it is!" *grin*

Also, as evidenced from the post the other day where I ask my friends to keep an eye on me so I don't over-commit, I'm getting a little better at requesting help. Just a tad. A skeric.

Finish this post for me will you? I'm going for a lay down :P
Tags: health

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