dalekboy (dalekboy) wrote,
dalekboy
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100 days of Love and Hate - Day 59

John Howard
Wonderful. Truly marvelous. Oh wait, this isn't the sex post. Sorry.

Gotcha!

I wouldn't say I hate him, because I don't. I hate his politics and what he does, but I don't really know the guy. Most people who have met him seem to think he's not too bad a bloke. It's just a shame that the bastard's in power, rather than running a milkbar in a little town somewhere. I think he'd be a great milk bar owner. I think you could have a chat and a laugh with him and it'd be a very comfortable place to shop.

And his opinions on things really wouldn't matter.

As a politician, well, he's only as bad as most of them. As a Prime Minister, I have absolutely no respect for the man and his toadying ways when it comes to Bush. I have no time for his policies on an Australia he is woefully out of touch with, for his attitudes which fail to represent the needs of an Australia living in a new century, for the way he will do whatever it takes to keep his party in power - except for what needs to be done, or what needed to be done years ago. He will stoop to any level to maintain control.

I wish him no ill-will, I just want someone I can respect in charge. Unfortunately, that's not likely to happen no matter who wins the next election.




My Sexuality
Okay, Not Safe for Work. It rambles and goes into detail about my sexual history. I’m not exaggerating when I say we’re talking novella, it's around 10,000 words, why else do you think it's taken weeks? And it's still not half of what I could say. One or two bits may shock or surprise. You have been warned. All comments to this post will be screened, only those with a YES at the end will be unscreened.

It will not surprise any of you to find out that I love sex. As mentioned previously, human sexuality fascinates me. It always has. This was going to be on sex in general, with a post on my sexuality to follow later. But a few paragraphs in, I've realised that this is a post about my sexuality. I want to do a separate post on sex, but it's kind of hard to separate the two. Will see what happens, this post may very well blow the other out of the water.

I expect it will be part opinion, part history, and several mini-rants.

I can't have sex with just anyone, much as I'd like to - to be that intimate with someone who didn't feel right would actually leave me at best dissatisfied, at worst quite empty and hurt. I actually spend a large percentage of my time feeling very lost and alone, as mentioned here, and usually it's only the deep talks and/or close contact that remove that for any length of time. The more intimate I am with someone, the more attention I'm giving them, the more of myself I'm giving to them. By that I mean I'm dropping barriers, letting them see my hidden side, not that that much is hidden, it’s more how I express things. It's the time when I'm at my most open, and also my most caring.

It's why I'm very careful who I'm intimate with. For some people sex is just a good excuse to get off. For me it goes much, much deeper. That said, when I finally find the right people, sex is a fabulous way to get off *grin*

I usually find that when I am emotionally close to someone, I often wish for physical intimacy as well. I want to lose those final barriers and be as close to the person as possible. That can range from hugs hello and goodbye, to cuddles, all the way to full-blown sex. It depends on the person and the situation. I want to show them the love I feel, pay them attention, spend some time with them in which they are the most important thing in the world. I want them to feel how much they mean to me. One of the things that Kali has commented on is that she likes having sex with me because so much of how I feel comes through in my eyes, face and body. Whether it's love or lust, it's all there to be seen and felt, physically and emotionally.

For me, sex is about giving and sharing. Much of the time (not always) I don't want to take, or be taken, I want to give and be given. Most people seem to have had sex with 'takers', people who only do things for their partner out of a sense of commitment or obligation - "I want this/have had this done for me, now I should do X." There are times when I'd like to be that way, but generally I'm not.

It's important for me to feel like the reason the person wants that closeness with me is because it is me, rather than just a handy body or a 'popular' choice. Because that's how I am. If I'm getting that close, it's because of who the person is, not just because I want to get off. I would rather go without than have sex with someone who didn't touch my heart in any way. That doesn't mean I have to care about them as anything more than a friend, but I do have to care.

I've been privileged enough to share beds with quite a few women. Many of the female friends who know me see me as someone pretty safe, which is funny given I'm such a 'dirty old man.' Some were people I had no desire for, some were people I ached for, most were somewhere in between. In most cases we would cuddle up, enjoying holding or being held, and that was it. As you'd expect in some cases, not many or as many as I'd have liked, things progressed further. The times when it has progressed further, no matter how much I want the person, what I want most is to do something for them. If it's going further, it's really important that they know that it's going further because of who they are to me, that they not feel like they are merely convenient, or a conquest.

That said, I think that’s changing a little, as I’m needing to feel wanted a lot more these days. Maybe it’s the mental/emotional stress of being ill, who knows?

Sometimes what I can do is highly limited, the most I could do for many was to hold them. It doesn't mean they didn't arouse me, or that I didn't want them, for some I've stayed very aware of how our bodies were placed so I wouldn't accidentally be poking them with my erection. For others I could cuddle up and stroke them while they masturbated, no more. For a few, I could masturbate or go down on them. The vast majority of these ladies have offered to do stuff for me, typically offering oral sex or a wank, and with most of them I've felt the solid sense of obligation behind the offer. It's what is expected - the guy is horny now, so it's my turn to do something for him.

It always stuck me as particularly odd that when I was giving what I consider to be basic comfort - talking to them, stroking, cuddling - that they would feel that the 'payment' was to jerk me off or go down on me. I'm not saying that sex didn't come to mind, but it wasn't the point of why I was doing what I was doing, so it wouldn't rate serious consideration from my end.

Generally I politely decline, I think I've said yes to couple, and it's because it felt right. It's something that we would have been doing together and given one another, rather than something done out of obligation. In the other couple of cases where I was really amped up, I did enough to myself deal with it, confusing the young ladies in the process.
'I thought you were going to wank.'
'I did.'
'But you didn't finish, did you?'
'Didn't need to, only needed to take the edge off. Now that's done I'm fine.'

In most cases where my hormones are getting too out of hand, a couple of minutes rubbing is enough 'ease the pressure' so to speak, and let me relax once more, rather than being distracted by the ache in my schlong.

I may be horny, but I can get off any time, I have a good working hand. But it's rarer that I get to share closeness with another, and get to show how I feel. And I cherish those chances because I feel so strongly for so many. If things have reached a point where the other is happy, I generally don't want to then disrupt that, I'd much rather snuggle up and hold them, letting them know that what occurred was unconditional. If the next morning they want to pounce on me, or the next time we're together they are interested, I'll be a lot more likely to say yes.

Typically, this seldom happens *grin*

Just in case I'm sounding like some sort of weird sexual monk, I should clear something up.

I. Want. To. Fuck.

I want sex most of the time. When I have a partner with the same drives as me, intercourse two to three times a day is not unusual. In fact, when I was in my twenties, I was having sex three times a day and wanking twice a day on top of that. Sometimes I only want to hold and be held, to love and be loved, have a heart-breaking beautiful and tender time with someone I care for, and sometimes I just want to bang some little bitch until we both scream! I want to get them so turned on they are begging for it and I want them to know whose cock they have inside them.

It’s interesting. If I get the levels of emotional and physical intimacy I need, my need for sexual release, while still very much present and active, rarely affects me. If I’m not getting the emotional and physical intimacy, and I’m not getting the sexual release, over a period of time I become quite aggressive, sexually and emotionally. One of the things about having Kali in my life is that when there’s been an extended period like that, she’s someone who can take and match my aggression. I know from experience that if I have a more gentle lover after a prolonged period of aggression, I match their levels and the aggression still burns off nicely, as much because I’m getting emotional, mental and sexual closeness all in one hit.

Another thing is, for most of my life, when I get sick, my hormones jump up an extra two or three notches. It’s only when I get really, really sick that I lose the urge. That said, my current illness doesn’t follow those rules. A lot of the time it leaves me exhausted. Though that still doesn’t stop me when I've got the mood going. I remember a day in mid-2006 where I couldn't walk but I still left Kali gazing at me wide-eyes going "Where did you get the strength for that" after our fourth bout of pretty hard, rough sex. Though admittedly, most of the time these days that's the exception, not the rule. If someone has my interest, sex tends to override all but the most total exhaustion or illness. Usually even if I’m pretty far gone, if they have the strength to get on top, I have the strength for sex.

I've always wondered how I'd go with three or four women at once. I've taken on two women a few times and came through it still wanting and able to do more. Okay that was a while ago, and well before my health issues, but I suspect I could still do it, though these days it would have to be early in the day.

I tend to be reactive, always have been. So while I’m quite vanilla in my tastes, I can really get into and enjoy almost anything my partner likes. Once I'm past the gentle, loving, caring stage I need to settle into with a partner, I can then go on to be... well... whatever works. I’m the gentle, fragile lover, who can cry with the beauty of the intimacy we share. I’m rampant fuck-beast ready to screw any woman that he wants. And I can be everything in between.

But that sort of release for me only comes with trust and openness, with the knowledge that it matters that it's me they are with. Kali has been far and away the lover I have been most sexually open with, hence her regular mentions here. There are sides of ourselves that only really get full release with one another. We would love to be able to have that openness, that raw sexuality with other folks, but it's rare to find those that we trust to be strong enough to cope, or that we can be that vulnerable with.

Oh I wish it wasn't so! I like who I am for the most part, but by gee my life would be a lot easier if I could just go out and pick up a casual root. The wiring in my head would only need to be very slightly different, I could still lavish attention on them in the way I actively enjoy. But I can't if it doesn't feel right. At times I hate that, but then I look around at all the people callously using others for sex, and I'm happy that I'm the way I am.

It could have turned out differently.

I knew about sex from quite a young age. I suspect most of the farm folk on here get what I mean. You see animals in action, it's just a part of the whole thing. Your understanding of it increases as you age, but it's always there. I used to go to the abattoirs with my dad every second Sunday. I'd wander around, play in the haystack, count sheep and cattle, play with the dogs.

The haystack was my favourite place to play. With help I could build forts and castles and the like out of the hay bales. It was also where some of the guys hid their porno mags. So I got to see some human sex. When you know males and females of humen and animal species, and have seen bulls in action, then seen a porno mag, it's pretty easy to put two and two together. You don't know why, but this is what men and women get up to. For me at that age, it was more fun to play in the hay stack.

So by the time dad explained the facts of life to me with a Meccano set one drunken Saturday night when I was four, I sort of had it sussed. In later years dad said I was four when he told me. I can only assume I was closer to five, because I clearly remember being slightly bored by his explanation, and surely I wasn't that advanced. When you've seen it with human bodies, an axle and yellow semi-circle with holes in it lacks a certain... realism.

I know I started masturbating very early on, but it was mainly unfocused - it felt good, so I did it. As to the sex mags, until I hit puberty at nine/ten, my main interest was in the cartoons, even if I didn't understand them. I was curious about seeing what the people did, but it didn’t do anything for me.

I remember at primary school one of the popular games at lunchtime was for a gang of boys or girls to drag a member of the opposite sex into the wrong toilets. This was for some reason a humiliating thing to have happen. Routinely the person dragged in would come running out full pelt when they managed to escape. I know I used to do this too, but I was the first to also stop fighting it. So they'd drag me into the loos, and I'd walk out when they finally let me go. I didn't get the fuss - the only difference between the two loos were that we had a urinal.

I was the first kid at school with pubic and armpit hair. We usually wore our sporting outfits to school on sports days, so didn't see each other getting changed. But at some point it got noticed that I had armpit hair. Instant celebrity. There didn't have to be much to impress the other kids. Barely a week went by that I didn't have requests from one of the other kids to see my armpits. Thinking back now, I suspect that was my first real hint of the mystery and power of sex.

The majority of my cousins growing up were slightly older and female, so I got a lot of the female point of view from them. I also found that I was more comfortable with the women of the family than the men, I preferred the conversations and the relatively non-competitive environment. There were the usual games of doctor that kids played together, but in my way, I was sufficiently advanced over some of the others. So, barely into double digits, I got to go down on my first girl. It was a one-off, and wasn't to happen again for some time, but again I got a great insight into the power of sex.

Then in my teens, most of my female friends were sf fans. Intelligent, thoughtful girls who I really connected with. I think these girls, more than any other, had a massive influence on my attitudes to sex and women. In a lot of teen cultures, popularity is important, and girls actively court it, usually using their sexuality. The majority of my teen fan friends didn't feel a need to offer themselves up sexually to get 'popularity' because most of the people they were hanging with socially liked them for who they were, and for the bond gained by liking the same authors, TV shows, etc. They didn't need to seek popularity because they already belonged to the tribe.

If I'd grown up in an environment where the girls try for popularity and social stature with sexual favours, I suspect my attitudes would have turned out different. Maybe not too markedly, but I suspect I'd find sex a bit easier to attain because I'd place less importance on it, both to who they were and to who I am. Instead I grew up with a distinct attitude that the person was more important than what was between their legs. I still have that. I still crave what's beneath their clothes, but I don't let desire rule me.

A few of my teen friends showed me a lot of trust over the years. I still remember laying in a huge bed with about five of them. I had been ready to sleep on the floor but it was insisted that I join them because there was room in the bed. One of the two women I loved and desired most (still do) was right next to me. I lay on my back, unmoving all night, a girl either side, terrified that I'd roll over in my sleep and accidentally prod one with a hard-on, losing all my special privileges (i.e. guy invited to/part of the all-girl stuff) in an instant.

The other girl I loved and desired most from that time has become my cautionary tale. We found out that we each had feelings for the other a decade later. Now, nearly a decade and a half after that, there is still a lot of the sexual tension, but every time it looks like something may happen, we either freeze up, or end up involved with someone else. It doesn’t help that the moment we start to relax, we turn back into awkward 15 year olds again, or that just as things move a little closer, something or someone else will break the mood.

I am lucky though, that those two friends I fell in love with as a teenager are still my friends. Nothing has ever really happened with either of them, but that matters less than having them in my life. They each bring me huge amounts of joy just by being there. I've been in situations with each where I could have made a move, but didn't want to risk the friendship. With one that definitely backfired, with the other, well I think I was right not to. Must talk to her about it one day, but I always feel that she's so far above and beyond me that even bringing it up is out-of-bounds.

As usual, that's more about me than her.

Of course, generally the only people I'm sexually attracted to are the people who engage me with their intelligence and personality, and that usually means taking the time to get to know them. I would love to be able to screw someone I didn't know, pick-up somewhere... Goodness knows, there are enough women around I find physically appealing. But nope. Ain't likely to happen.

I've had times where I seriously considered going to a prostitute, when the need for that physical connection grew too overwhelming, when I felt most lost and alone and needing to connect. I haven't, not because I have any problem with the idea, I've had friends that were working girls, but because it would be a waste of my money. I'd want to get to know them. I'd want to talk to them, be sure I liked them enough as a person first. I'd have to be very lucky indeed to meet the girl who bypassed all my wiring so that I could get straight to business. They do exist, I've met a few of them, but it also requires that they feel the same about me, and if there's any area in which the universe has a wicked sense of humour, it's in the area of attraction.

While working a paper route I met my first and only non-fan girlfriend. Over the time we were together, we cuddled lots, kissed a bit. I got to go down on her a few times but that was it. She was very nervous about a lot of sexual stuff, but though she loved naked cuddles and cunnilingus, we never had sex. After a car accident left her paralysed she moved to England where they were doing groundbreaking work in the field of reawakening nerves. Her family had money which opened doors.

She died in the UK. But not before she had sex with someone she'd met over there. The first I knew about the sex was the letter telling me it was alright if I slept with her best friend, who was older and fancied me. This wasn't in character, so I rang her and she broke down and told me what happened. That was my first example of how sex will make people do things they will hate themselves for, and know they'll regret, but will go ahead anyway. For me it was another important point as she had always been fearful of sex, while I had always embraced it. I had had a few opportunities but hadn't done anything even as my hormones screamed at me, because I was in a relationship.

One of the roles I've often played sexually is teacher. Two of my partners have been virgins, as have a few of my slightly more intimate friends. Again, I'm a reasonably safe choice. There are a number of friends where either their first look at a penis, or the first time they had a chance to touch one without pressure to do something was with me.

I had one particular friend, a very attractive girl, where we used to go away together regularly. Part of it was to work on art projects together, part was to get away from our respective homes, and part was that we were good friends who liked to hang out together. While she was a little older than I, I was the sexually experienced one, though her desire for sex was very much a match for mine.

But we never got really sexual with one another. I had only a passing interest in sex with her, and she had no interest in sex with me. There was certainly a very relaxed intimacy between us... one of our traditions on the first night away was to play strip poker, get naked, and apart from going out to explore the local area, we would stay naked around each other all weekend. We enjoyed the freedom of it. I told her all I knew about sex, taught her to explore her body, even bought her her first vibrator, something she was incredibly grateful for.

We’d cuddle up, massage each other, shower with each other, chatting and joking away the whole time, or working away together on our projects. At night we’d cuddle up in bed, talking away into the wee hours. She had no issues about me getting an erection while cuddled up behind her, and would wiggle about until it was pressed against her backside in a way that was comfortable for us both.

Oh, we both got horny from time to time, that was inevitable with two warm naked bodies in regular close contact, but we weren’t interested in progressing beyond where we were. My only reasons for wanting sex with her came from natural curiosity and the same idea as buying her a vibrator, giving her the thing she most wanting, some sexual release. I certainly would have enjoyed it if we had, but it wouldn’t have meant much more than the cuddles or massages.

She was fascinated with my cock, probably because it was the only one she had access to. She was always amazed at how hard it could get, the softness of the skin, etc. At least once per trip, she’d ask to spend time holding my cock. She’d hold it and look at it, inspecting it from different angles and in different states of hardness. Manys the time I lay on my back with her curled up with her head on my shoulder, one hand wrapped around my erection, holding it, no more. Occasionally she’d rub it very slowly for maybe half a dozen strokes, but it was out of sheer curiosity, she loved watching and feeling the way the skin moved. It didn’t do much for me erotically, this being back when my reactions were quite muted, but I loved watching the genuine delight on her face as she explored.

There was only two times she ever rubbed it with more intent. One was when I taught her how not to do it, because she wanted to learn about handjobs, and many women are incredibly rough. The other was when she asked to see me come, since it was something she hadn’t seen. She wanked me for a little while, then when I warned her I was close, she asked me it I minded taking over. I did and she moved into a better position to watch. I remember her reaction as being “Wow! That is so cool!” as I came. She tasted a little bit, pulled a face, and said ok, she wasn’t going to be a swallower, and spent the next half hour making semen patterns on my chest with her finger.

I think that may have been the only time I came around her, not sure now. Certainly don’t remember any others. I know she said she’d like to watch again at some point, but I was pretty shy about being watched masturbating (still am), and once in a 'teaching' capacity was enough.

What I remember most strongly from our times away was her endless curiosity with sex, and that she approached it with the same interest and humour as myself. That we had no huge desire in sex with each other was only a minor concern, we still got to enjoy a lot of time just playing together, with no stress or concerns. Looking back, I find it both sweet and sad that she wanted to hold my cock every trip away. Here was something that she really wanted, and so took the chance to investigate whenever it appeared, but the one she got access to was on a friend she didn’t fancy.

The time with her was certainly influential in the development of my own sexuality. I’m glad I remembered to add it in, because it was only by writing about it that I realised just how substantial a contribution she made to my attitudes. I really enjoyed the teacher role, and the chance to share so much intimacy without it having to lead to sex. I’ve certainly enjoyed nudity and physical closeness with a number of friends since, in not dissimilar circumstances.

In regards to the teacher role, I think one of my prouder moments was when a friend rang me up to ask about cunnilingus. Things were progressing with a lady friend, and he thought that he was going to get the chance to go further, but had never gone down on a girl before. And of course, he’d heard all the crap about ‘smells like fish’ and tastes bad and all the other bullshit.

So I told him bluntly, I hate the smell of fish, and if cunts smelt like fish, I wouldn’t go near them. Every woman has a distinct scent, some are nice, some less so, and they all vary depending on where she is in her cycle. Same with taste. Some have no taste, some may be bitter or strong, and it will vary according to cycle. If there is a strong taste or odour, just use lots of saliva, it’ll wash it away pretty quick. And mate, going down on a girl is the best thing ever!

I got a phone call the next day. “Mate, you are a fucking legend!” How can I not love to be a part of that? I’ve made two people happy at once!

Over the years I’ve had a few girls in the same sort of situation. “He wants to do this, what should I do?” “He won’t do that for me, any ideas?” It’s not hard to come up with work-arounds or ways to build things in a good direction. There’s been a few girls where my main input was to essentially talk them through the workings of the willy, show them odd little things like the way the hydraulics that give a guy a hard-on work in time with their heartbeat. It's amazing how many experienced women have never had a chance to get to examine a penis. Almost every time they get to see one, it's action stations, no time for contemplation or exploration. You’d think it would benefit guys to let their ladies have time to explore.

It's also funny how many thought they'd need to jack me off at the end of the 'lesson'. They’ve spent time examining or handling my willy, being talked through the names of the various bits, etc. And while I may have sometimes gotten aroused (no idea why, attractive women handling my meat, why would that start to get a reaction after nearly half an hour! ... told you they were curious...), my honest intention was to deal with sexual curiosity, and you can't do that well if you have a hidden agenda. Now in hindsight, I suspect some weren't offering out of obligation, but I had no way of knowing either way. And of course, I'd decline and they'd never offer again. I wonder how many never offered again because they took my polite 'no, it's cool' as a 'not interested in you' rather than a 'I didn't do this for payment'. And you know what? I'm still that dumb. But I'd still prefer to miss out than reinforce the message that guys should be serviced.

I also talked a lot of my friends through the lines guys use to try and get something, and of course, safe sex. It's amazing how many intelligent adults think they can't catch a disease or get pregnant if the guy doesn't come inside them, or just rubs around the outside. Some very smart people are insanely stupid when it comes to sex. It's amazing how many assume that they and their partners are clean because they’ve only ever had monogamous relationships. Doesn't mean you one of you can't have caught something people! You're never sleeping with one person, you're sleeping with all their previous partners as well. And there are plenty of diseases that show no obvious symptoms. Get tested!

One person called me a spoilsport once for bringing them up to date on what was out there that could be caught through oral sex. I wouldn't be called a spoilsport if I pushed responsible and safe driving, but I got called it for reminding someone about safe sex. Both things can have nasty consequences if you’re not careful. A lot of folks insist on condoms for intercourse, but don't worry about it for oral sex, as if oral sex is 100% safe.

Yes, it’s nice to be able to taste your partner rather than rubber, you’re preaching to the choir on that one. But I'd rather be a volunteer than a victim - if I'm going to catch something, I would rather it be because I took a calculated risk than because I didn't know any better.

Oh, and guys? With condoms, figure out which way they unroll before you try to put it on. I find a puff of breath is usually enough. Don't try to put it on, realise it's the wrong way around and simply turn it over. Pre-cum, which is likely to be spread over the head of the penis, contains active sperm, enough to get a woman pregnant. It will also likely carry any virus or disease you may have.

Remember girls, guys tend to be slack about this stuff, don't let them get away with it!

Now admittedly, you’d have to be unlucky to get pregnant or catch a disease from such a small amount of fluid, but if you're using condoms anyway, why reduce their effectiveness in this way? If you heard a particular brand of condom had higher incidence of minute holes or of breaking, you’d avoid the brand because it’s not as effective. Same thing.

After all this talk of safe sex, it may surprise people to know I champion folks, especially women, going out there and having lots of sex. If it's non-manipulative, consensual and safe, I say go for it! Seriously, there's nothing wrong with simply enjoying a nice sensual time with another adult. That I can’t is down becoming uptight and screwed up in the last few years. If the right woman comes along, I can be shaken out of that in a single session. I’ll get back to the way one moment with the right person can change your sexual landscape shortly.

I have a few female friends that have had a significant (over 20) number of sexual liaisons, and I'm full of admiration for them. Just as I am of the women who choose to wait for the one guy. It's a gross generalisation, but I tend to have less pride in guys achieving high numbers, simply because they don’t face the social stigma that most women do and most guys aren't that picky. Even if it's wrong for them or the other party, they'll go ahead and have sex anyway.

I once passed up a threesome with two women who I desired greatly. Both are smart, sexual, good-looking and they wanted me enough to contact me well before I was going to be in their state to suggest the idea. And they were both people I could have sex with! No internal limitations! I cannot begin to express how much their offer of a threesome meant to me on so many levels. I felt both wanted and desirable, rare things for me to feel at any time. I used to carry a copy of their letter in my wallet for when I needed a pick-me-up. They felt right, I cared about them both in the right way, there was nothing I couldn't do, I would be happy and comfortable with two people I liked and trusted.

Except, by the time I got to the con, I wasn't in the right place emotionally.

It was the year after my father had died. The previous year he had been dying and I hadn't gone to any parties, hadn't mixed with people. It was a time when what I needed, more than anything, was a lot of people around me. I needed to connect with life, with my friends. There was no way I could pull myself away from crowds to only connect with two people, no matter how much I wanted to. Even now, I know I made the right decision, and would do so again. There could have been fifteen women that I cared about as much wanting to share themselves with me, and it wouldn't have been enough. But it broke my heart to have to say no to two women who I consider good friends.

And no, we didn't get around to it another time. Life moves on, things change. But I will always be grateful to know that they wanted me. And I hope that they know how much it meant to me, and how much I still regret having to decline.

That story, more than anything else I could say, tells you about my sexuality and who I am.

I've had a few threesomes, they were great fun, I enjoyed myself immensely. But you know when I've felt happiest? The next morning or later that day, well after the sex is over. And I'm laying there with two people who care about me, one on each side, cuddled up to me. I feel loved and lucky and whole. The sex can be awesome, but it doesn't compare to what I get from being held afterwards, held by people who care that they are there with me, that love me, be it as a friend or more.

I've had a couple of guys in my life, but as picky as I am with women, I'm ten thousand times pickier with guys. To be blunt, most guys annoy me when it comes to intimacy, whereas most women get where I'm coming from. For those of you who are curious, I like very pretty boys. Think Julian Clary or Yahoo Serious in the priest outfit in Reckless Kelly.

I grew up a good catholic boy, so I was doomed to have issues with sex *grin* My biggest issue was masturbation. I wanked a lot, still do, usually once a day minimum, but back then I went to confession every two weeks. Overall I didn't have much to confess, and my admissions about touching myself were always termed the same way, 'being dirty.'

Weekends gave me hell. Sunday was a holy day, so wanking then must be extra bad. Then as I researched more about the church, I discovered that Saturday was the real Sabbath, not Sunday. It had been moved. I had a highly complicated self-justification system in place to deal with it, but essentially it made kind of hard to enjoy myself on weekends. Eventually I'd done enough research into the church to decide that it was a very hypocritical organisation, and that so long as I lived a decent life, if there was a God, he'd understand. And if he didn't, then he wasn't much of a superior being.

Most encounters change my sexual landscape to a greater or lesser degree. One of the three most significant was someone who cut right through all my wiring, though didn't know it at first. She was someone I had dealings with over the phone before we ever met. When I was introduced to her, she looked so overwhelmed by everything I immediately melted and gave her a hug. She hugged back, awkwardly but tightly. I've never done that on a first meeting before or since. It just felt right and I surprised myself by doing it.

I chatted to her quite a bit over the course of the weekend, and really enjoyed her company. On the Saturday night she walked into a room party and I had a girl, a friend of hers and mine, on my knee. She left and her friend suggested I may want to go and talk with her, because she was upset.

"Why is she upset?"
"Because I was on your knee."
"But we're old friends and she knows that."
"Yes but she likes you."
"Well, I like her."
"Nono... She really likes you."
"Well, I really like her."
"Danny, she really... likes... you!"
"What? Nooooooo... Nah... Couldn't."
"Look, just go and talk to her, will you?"

She was sitting on the stairs and it broke my heart to see that she'd been crying. I hugged her and held her for a good while, and then she said she had better get back to her hotel, she was tired and had had too much to drink. I offered to walk her back and we had a lovely walk and talk. When we got to the front of her hotel she invited me in.

"Nah, I'd love to but I'd better get back. Sleep well."

Off I wandered... Dum de dah... Do be dah (two minutes pass) Dum de d- Oh shit! I turn and look at her hotel, but have no idea which room is hers. I walk back to the con feeling very stupid indeed.

And as I write this, I now realise I could have walked back to reception and asked if they could ring her. Only taken ten years to think of that. Good one, Oz! Stupid feelings cubed.

Of course, she’d been drinking, so I wouldn’t have let anything happen. But I would have loved to have spent the night holding her. She told me later that if I had come in and not wanted sex with her, she would have been really upset. I’m so bad at judging this stuff, but I never want to be the guy who takes advantage of a drunken woman. If I knew she wanted me, but needed a little Dutch courage, that’s different.

She became a brief but very important lover of mine. For a start, she was the first to get me into phone sex. Never saw the appeal before. I’ve only done it with her and Kali, but it can be enjoyable once in a while with the right person.

She turned me around on blowjobs. I had always loved getting them, of course, but always felt really awkward watching as a girl went down on me. It felt too, I dunno, like I was objectifying them or something. I actually felt bad watching it, and I didn’t want them to see me watching.

When she noticed me not looking at her, she asked me why and I told her. She then insisted I watch her go down on me, and passed on something that had once been said to her. "There's nothing more lovely or amazing than watching a beautiful woman sucking your cock."

How could I argue with that?

She maintained a lot of eye contact and I could see she was enjoying doing this. And you know, she's right about how amazing it is to watch, too!

She was also the one who turned me around on cumshots, well kind of. Always hated them in porno flicks, and to some degree still do, for much the same reason I had for disliking blowjobs - it seemed geared towards objectification or putting the woman in a lower position. But she was the woman who during sex asked me to pull out and come on her. The only visual memory I have of our time together is the happy, and oh-so-proud look on her face as she pointed out a drop of semen that had landed on her breast. I don't remember anything else visually from our time together, but I'm glad I still have that one.

I’ve since had one or two ladies interested in the same thing, and I’ve been only too pleased to oblige them.

Another really significant partner was a good friend. We were mates, good mates, and sex between us was fantastic. She reminded me that sex is meant to be fun! She was always laughing and joking, no matter what we were doing. It was just so damned enjoyable and funny the whole time. We enjoyed each other's company, hung out, watched films and tv shows, and shagged like rabbits. I credit her as the person that gave me back my enjoyment of sex. I liked it before her, but it had lost something, she made it fun again!

Of course, it goes without saying that the first significant person was the girl I lost my virginity to. Around the age of 15, I decided I’d be happy to do anything else, but I was only going to go all the way when it felt right i.e. I had to love the girl and she me, and all horniness aside, it had to be something we both wanted. I had a few chances, but it wasn’t until I was 19 that I was in a stable relationship where it felt right.

We were both virgins, and thanks to my various females buds, I’d heard horror story after horror story about first times. I was determined that this wasn’t going to happen with someone I cared for, so I started reading up about it. Read everything I could on ways to make things easier for the girl, to reduce the chance of discomfort or pain. And over a few weeks, we started to build towards sex. Lots of foreplay, me using more fingers on her, etc. Eventually, when the night came, we spent three hours on foreplay. We then spent half an hour slowly getting me inside her.

We made love.
And both went “Huh… that was kind of disappointing… What’s all the fuss about?”

Didn’t stop us from having another go half an hour later. And starting to see the attraction *grin*

We were both curious, experimental types, so by the end of our time together a few years later, there wasn’t much we hadn’t tried. She was also the girl I got my ‘personal best’ with – sixteen times in 24 hours. Until Kali, she was the only person who matched my sex drive. But compared to the way I enjoy sex now, back then I was only getting a tiny, tiny bit of enjoyment. It’s the difference between a firecracker and a fireworks display. That’s nothing to do with my old girlfriend, as I’ve aged, I’ve become more attuned to my body and my reactions.

I’m very fortunate. With the right person I can orgasm without penile stimulation or ejaculation, though naturally I do enjoy ejaculating. Interestingly, I tend to orgasm after I ejaculate, like a good five to twenty seconds later. With the right person my orgasms can go on for a minute or more. I am a very lucky boy.

I used to have insanely sensitive nipples, partners used to say it wasn’t fair, I was a boy, I wasn’t supposed to have sensitive nipples! I could orgasm though having them gently played with, thats how sensitive they were. Though the last year or two, it's stopped and I generally find I get little response, other than annoyance if people play with them. No idea what changed there, or why. I miss them *sniff*

Actually, my willy has only become more sensitive with age, which is both a good and bad thing. It means it can give me the most delightful sensations, but it’s too sensitive. During orgasm, any sensation around the head is actually painful and completely ruins my enjoyment. A far cry from my early twenties where I could come without breaking my stroke and keep going until I’d come a second time.

I put some of the sensitivity down to still having my foreskin. It’s a whole extra area of skin and nerves, plus it protects the head. Did you know that in some cultures where circumcision is the norm, some older men use fine grade sandpaper on the head of their penis to improve sensitivity? It’s true.

I have no nudity taboo, and I don’t really have a touch taboo. If I like you, you’re welcome to touch me almost anywhere, so long as it’s ‘honest’. Honest like or respect, honest curiosity, honest desire to push boundaries between us or experiment, honest interest in me… I don’t mind getting felt up, so long as I’m not made to feel like the nearest convenient male or on a scorecard, and if I say no, it’s respected.

The one part of my body that is out-of-bounds without invitation is the middle of my chest, the area between my nipples and on/around my sternum/solar plexis. Strange but there you go, and it’s a hard one to explain, so I ain’t gunna try. There are only a couple of people I allow to touch that area of my chest. Chest to chest hugs and all manner of playful touching is fine, but deliberately putting a hand on that part of my chest is like violating my privacy. Even if someone is going down on me, if their hand traces its way up my body, they’ll likely find one of my hands resting over the spot. That’s how private it is. Do what you like to my dick, don’t touch my chest.

I will, once in a blue moon, take someone’s hand and place it over my heart or on my upper chest, as a non-verbal way of connecting, and showing compassion, care, love. There’s less than a handful of people who I’d place their hand on my middle chest, and only one who is welcome do it any time they like.

Now it’s with all honesty that I feel I must mention that these days I consider myself a dud-root. Seriously, it’s not false modesty. Because I get so little sex, and I’m so very sensitive, you might get two minutes of shagging out of me before it’s over. Occasionally I’ll last significantly longer, like ten minutes, but that’s certainly the exception, not the rule. Okay, I have a short recharge time, but who only wants sex in two minute bursts? It works between Kali and I, but by most standards we’re both dud roots.

I’ve also lost the edge on my foreplay skills. Sharon and I never have need of them and Kali hates foreplay. I can honestly say the sex between us is pretty damned amazing without foreplay, so while I miss it, it’s not an issue between her and I. But I am painfully aware that I’m very rusty in my pre-sex skills.

Another negative is personal. My visual memory is shot. Do you know how awful it is not to be able to remember what a woman’s naked body looked like within an hour of things being over? I hate that. I want to hold onto as much of it as I can for as long as I can, and visual cues give me all sorts of other echoes – moans and sighs, the feel of someone’s flesh, their scent…

I try now for a couple of naked or more sexual pictures of anyone I’m with. I wish I had photos of my time with the first significant woman I mentioned. There’s so much of that that I’d like to remember better, though I do think I’m lucky that I have the one mental picture I mentioned.

I also enjoy taking nudes and erotic pics of women. Anyone can get close-ups of genitalia and sex, making them look nice is another thing. I think one of the most beautiful sex-shots I’ve gotten was of a breast with daylight behind it and a couple of small drops of semen glistening in the light… regular full-on porn has its place, but that’s what I want to see and take.

For the record takers, I’ve had full sexual intercourse with eight women. As a sexual explorer, I’ve sold myself short by not getting a lot more direct experience, but you’ve already seen some of the reasons for that. Insecurity, a desire not to put someone in an awkward position... That said, experience has shown me that the right person coming along would make some substantial changes to those attitudes, and I wouldn’t say no to that. Would still need to be the right person at the right time in the right way though. Off the top of my head, I can think of two that I could be 100% sure of successfully seducing me, and I don’t think either is interested in me in that way.

*shakes fist at the Gods*

Most women I know I've been at least curious about, and the idea of exploring their sexuality with them has great appeal.
- Many, I'd just love to hear about their experiences and attitude regarding sex, the good, the bad, and the surprising.
- Some it’s because I care deeply for the person, and sexual intimacy allows me to become that much closer to them, see that hidden side. There’s nothing like seeing honest desire or sexual happiness on someone’s face, it can be a truly beautiful thing.
- Some, it’s because I’m simply curious, I want to find out first hand what it is they like and look for.
- Some it’s because they are incredibly gorgeous, how could I not want to be close to that beauty.
- Some its because they are hot, and I think the rest of that concept speaks for itself.
- Some because I think I could show them a nice time, and I’d like to, because I like them.
- And a couple, because I want to share myself with them completely and have no barriers between us.

Of course, all that exists in an ideal world where they want me and I’m able to do more than hold them. *grin*

Each new person I talk to, male or female, teaches me something new. I learn about different experiences, different sexualities, different turn-ons. I love the whole landscape of human sexuality, it’s a fascinating thing to study. I love helping people discover their bodies, giving people someone non-judgemental and open-minded to talk to or learn from.

And I learn more about my own sexuality, too. I still haven’t covered everything about myself here, that would be too hard, but I’ve covered a chunk of my experiences and attitudes. Overall, I like my sexuality. Like my attitudes. I have a few problems and some hang-ups that I’ve developed or inherited, but who doesn’t?

There are many people I’d like to be closer to. I want to hear their sexual history, enjoy their company as I did my regular trip buddy all those years ago, and some I want to give myself to them fully. Of course there are people that I feel incredibly deeply and strongly about where it will never happen. They don't want me, they are in relationships, or there's something there where as much as I adore them, I couldn't get that close. That last one is always the biggest shame.

While I talked about a lot of the good stuff, I’ve steered clear of talking about partners who changed my sexual development for the worst, who left scars I still wear to this day. I didn’t want to demonise anyone with this post, since even the bad experiences, the ones that have helped make me so uptight, or reluctant to make a move, have shaped many of my good responses and attitudes.

So, what was I trying to achieve with this post, that I had to spend so very long getting it right? There’s a number of things...

This is stuff that I would have been perfectly comfortable talking to the vast majority of you about in person, even those I don’t know well. I know for a fact from emails, comments and the like, that many of you like it when I talk sex. And it doesn’t just seem to come from the pervy perspective either. For some it gives you a chance to talk about this stuff, think about it from other angles, etc. You appreciate someone being so very open about it, to have the chance to really learn about what goes on in anothers person's head on this most personal of subjects. That openness comes easy to me.

I like the role of sexual teacher, giving people guidance and permission to like what they like, no matter how simple or bizarre. For some people that means giving them someone just to talk to, no more. Sometimes the greatest relief comes from telling someone else. By talking about myself and the people I’ve touched, it seems to give some of you that permission to open up, if not to me or your friends or partners, then at least to yourselves. There are many people on here that I would love to lose hours talking to about this stuff, even if it was all them asking me questions.

One of the things I learnt working in the sex shop, was that people will talk to the guy or girl behind the counter about their problems with sex before they will ever go to a doctor, counsellor or psychiatrist. That I’ve seriously starting looking into ways to do the Sexology Course at Curtain Uni in W.A. would not surprise many of you. I’m well outside my experience in dealing with the *ahem* ins-and-outs of uni stuff, so any help or advice in this area is gratefully accepted. For me it’s like reading an Ikea instruction manual written in Swahili.

Talking about it makes me think about it. Reminds me of important people and events, and occasionally gives me a real revelation as to how I came to be the way I am. I certainly had a couple of those during this post. It also gives me occasion to smile, remembering some of the lovely times I’ve had, the friendships and closeness.

I suppose the most obvious question is, do I hope that this post will open the way for me to have sex with people? Yes and no. To be honest, my interest in sex with some people can’t stand the harsh light of reality. By that I mean, while it may be a really, really nice thought, the reality doesn’t always have that attraction. And that runs both ways. In your mind I may be the greatest lover who ever lived... do you really want to test the reality of that and find out I’m not? Some would, many wouldn’t. It's why there's an "I'd like to but wouldn't" answer in the poll.

And I’m not a person who will actively pursue sex as a rule, so it would be fully up to whoever to get through my insecurity barrier, past the laser-activated poor-self esteem, the sirens that convince me that you don’t really want me and I’m misinterpreting you moaning and dry-humping my leg, and the moat of eternal angst. Who the hell wants to go through all that for a fuck?

The funny thing is, I could have written down, point-by-point, exactly what you’d need to do to successfully seduce me. I know myself really well in that way. So if I was really just wanting sex, I’ve kind of screwed up. I also wouldn’t have gone through what I see as my current flaws in the sack, nor called myself a dud-root.

What I would like, and it’s related, is to learn more about the people who deeply like, love or fancy me. I don’t understand it, and I’d love to talk to those that do find me attractive, though I admit I’d find it really uncomfortable to do so. I’ve only just come to terms with accepting compliments, and that not very well, let alone actual interest. Seeing the attraction is something that has always eluded me, sadly. Even with someone like Kali who regularly tells me how beautiful I am, who likes my body, loves my cock, and at times can’t resist taking my picture because she’s struck with who she sees me to be. To even get the merest flicker of what others see would be worth a lot more to me than a roll in the hay.

In the same way, the chance to open a dialogue with one or two of the people that I do like, love or desire on here and finally ‘be given permission’ to talk to them about this stuff would be nice. Even if it’s just to be able to say that I find someone incredibly sexually attractive and for them to take it as the compliment it is, rather than ‘Oh, he's a horny bastard and he just wants to do me.’ Or to have some good, open, honest talks of sex and intimacy with some of them. Naturally I don’t expect anyone who finds this all too personal to talk with me, and they’d probably have to kick-start the talk anyway, but having the option would be nice.

And certainly, clothed or naked cuddles and deep talks with some of the folks I like or am sweet on would make me very happy, but again, not expecting it to happen, and would struggle to bring it up even if I knew it was welcome.

Man, you can tell I’ve really had a number done on me in the past can’t you? I’m only just starting to notice the amount of damage done! *wry smile*

So, when you get to the poll, keep this all in mind. The poll isn’t the normal kind, it relates to direct interactions with me. The point of the poll, like this post, isn’t to get laid, but to open the chance of discussion between us. Oh, I’d wouldn’t mind getting laid. I love to get laid. But being able to talk and share affection and intimacy with a few of you, to talk honestly about feelings and thoughts, or even snuggle up and merely enjoy the closeness, is worth a lot more to me than simple sex.

Making sex and intimacy only about genitals and orgasms is like looking at beautiful landscape through cardboard tube, you miss out on too much. I just want to share my world, and experience all the others I can.
Tags: love & hate, rants, serious thoughts, sex
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